Love Me When I'm Gone.

I'm different Now.

My Hair is short,
My teeth are straight.

I'm getting in shape,
I'm learning,
and teaching
and getting by,
and getting through
the day,
the thick skull,
but to you.

I'm finding
things I've lost
new ideas
but I'm happy just to be finding out.

I'm looking
older,
Up,
and for someone.


I don't know, Maybe I don't care.

In the Mighty words of Aqualung
"I never understood before,
I never knew what love was for,
My heart was broke my head was sore."

I don't know,
the winds pick me up and the snow makes me smile, but the sun comes out and shows me things are different where you are, and I wonder if it's better.
I want you to grab my hand and pull me and take me somewhere I haven't seen before.
I want to take your hand and take you to the tree where I learned to sing, and where I learned I'm Human,
and learned I'm lonely.


When I'm sick I want someone to ask "Where's Alice?" and when I'm sad I want someone to ask "Do you want to go for a walk?" because I don't want everyone knowing.

And I want to have someone to ask "Where are they?" about, and when they're sad I want to say "Come with me." Someone to talk about problems and good times with, in a way that I can only do with them.

I want us to dance together, watch movies, enjoy nature, enjoy each other.
I want silences and non-stop chat sessions and I want to be giddy when they're around.

But more importantly, I want us to meet.

Such,
Alice Dotty, The Lonley.

Chanson Du Jour: All I Wanted - Paramore.

Recipe for Christmas

I spent yesterday on my feet. Got up early, (8) went to the grocery store, bought things for Latke's, loafs, cookies and peanut butter cups.

Then baked 2 batches of oatmeal cookies and 2 batches of Reverse Peanut Butter cups.

did laundry, did dishes x4, cleaned basement.

Robin, (Sister) did nothing so I yelled at her.
Went to Tae Kwon Do.

Today, woke up, baked two cranberry-walnut Christmas loafs. (Even though I'm sick) then I got cozy in bed and listened to music and floated away until I felt well enough to move.


BUSTER (my dog, beagle mystery mix) went to the groomers and now he is SO FLUFFY YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE IT. HAHA. Omg, he's 10x bigger. : ) He makes me smile everyday.

Oh the Holidays. How they stress me more than a super-loaded semester.

But But But! What got me through it was Tokio Hotel. <3
Yesterday, all I listened to was 98.1 Lite Christmas Carols. Ohhhh no, so tired of freakin winter wonderland. You have no idea.

So when I got up and realized "Shit, I have MORE fkin baking to do?" I didn't want to listen to carols so I got my iPod (and put it off the Christmas playlist) and the first song to come on? Ich Liebe Dich - Lukas Hilbert

and I just found out it's by Lukas Hilbert, Not Tokio Hotel : (
Shit. Whatever, it's still a good song. Thanks Lukas <3

Kinda disappointed in how it is,
Rainy

Anyways.

Watchin' 50 Moments that changed music on Much Music (Canadian MTV, for those not-in-the-know) and something was said, and I was like "Yeah, I should write that down, cuz I juat put a new spin on it, but I gotta think it out more." but I didn't write it down and I forgot.
But I recorded it, so I'll rewatch it. ; )

mmkay, so here it is:
Talking about Eminem's song Kill You
"I’m ready to make everyone’s throats ache. You faggots keep egging me on till I have you at knife point, then you beg me to stop?" and another one that goes "My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge. And I’ll stab you in the head, whether you’re a fag or les. A homosex, hermaph, or a transeves. Homophobic? Hey fags, the answer’s yes. Nah, you’re just heterophobic.”

Yeah, oops.
Uhm, so, what was I talking about? Yeah, he didn't apologize, but he gets on stage at grammies, I think, I dunno, I never pay attention to award shows, why do I care what's most popular? I mean, If My artist is nominated I hope they win so other people will listen to them, but I don't freak out about it or throw a party.

Anyways, so he gets on stage and he doe Stan which is one of my favorite songs by him, and instead of Dido singing the chorus like on the track, Elton John comes out playin the piano and at the end they hug and Em doesn't even care. He definitely respect Elton John even though he's openly gay (I mean, He's wearing a 70's canary Yellow and Pimpin' pink polkadot suit)And then they go on and say he didn't apologize for the lyrics.

I think that it's partly cuz for a rapper, especially one like Em who's facing racial issues he can't show weakness, and those are the breaks.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think he shoulda said anything like that, but I think that coming from where he is I think that was apology enough.

But that's not my big Idea, I'm thinking more along the lines of part of being unprejudiced, is more along the lines of you're unprejudiced to everyone.

Let's say A man walking downtom on the street wearin' a 70's suit in pimp pink and canary yellow polka dots gets hit by a car.
Obviously everyone's going to assume Hate Crime Hate Crime Hate Crime! Sexist! Homophobic!

How bout the guy was walking down the street? I mean, this man, not necessarily gay but dressed to the stereo type is walking ON THE STREET. Just because someone's fighting the world doesn't mean they're perfect, in fact most of the time they crack under pressure and do something stupid.

Have you read Black and White by Eric Walters? Do It. It's a little kiddy but it's good.
[White boy, Thomas (Narrator) has a crush on Denyse, a black girl. He goes to her church, a black church, and her father delivers this sermon.]

"I read the newspapers yesterday," he began. "They call it news but nothing in there seemed to be new." He paused. "The same things keep happening. Again and again and again. The night before last, a young man was killed by a police officer. The young man was black. the police officer was white."
I felt a shiver go up my spine as people yelled things out--"Isn't it always that way?" "Wheres the Justice?" Suddenly I felt much whiter and much more alone.
"The young man who was killed was Twenty-one years old, the age of my oldest son. He could have been my son, but he wasn't." The pastor paused. "But he was my brother."
"And Mine too!" Yelled a voice.
"And what of the policeman--the white policeman--who fired the fatal shot? What is to become of him?"
"Nothing!" screamed an angry voice.
The pastor shook his head sadly. "They say they're going to be giving him a medal," He said in a hushed voice. There were gasps from behind me. "And do you know why they're going to give him a medal?" he asked, his voice suddenly as loud as thunder. "Do you know why?"
More screamed replies from the congregation, so many that I couldn't make out any individual's words. I slumped lower in the pew, wondering if the woman at the back had been able to slip out, but not wanting to risk looking back to find out.
"The reason they're going to give him a medal is simple. He's getting that medal because he deserves to receive that medal. He earned that medal, and I would be honoured to be there to shake that young man's hand!"
There was stunned silence, as if nobody could believe what he'd just said, as if all the air had been sucked out of people's lung and they couldn't even gasp again.
"The young man--the young black man who was killed--was all hyped up on drugs. They think it was crack. He'd already taken the life of his own four-year-old son, and he was holding a knife to the throat of that child's mother. He was saying he was going to kill her. the policeman--little more than a boy himself at only twenty-three years of age-- had spent almost two hours trying to talk the man into giving up the knife, into allowing that young black woman to live. At the risk of his own life, he tried to save the lives of both the woman and the man who held her hostage. When he couldn't, when the knife slashed her throat, he had no choice and he fired his gun. But he fired it not to take a life, he fired it to save a life. The life of that young woman. And after firing that fatal shot he then pressed his hands against the throat of that woman, trying to stop her lifeblood from flowing out of her body, through his fingers and onto the group. And he stayed with her--there in the ambulance, and right into the operating room. They say--the doctors who operated on her--that if not for his actions she would certainly have died. And for that he is a hero. Because that girl was not my daughter, but she was my sister."
He pause and took another sip from the glass perched precariously on the edge of the lectern.
"Now, I know what you're thinking. So often has it been an innocent black man killed by a white police officer--the man's crime simple to be black-- a victim of racism, a disease that is crippling this country. But if you think...Think long and hard...weren't you just as guilty of an act of racism when you assumed that the policeman in my story was guilty simple because of the colour of his skin?
"Now, in truth, your thoughts didn't cause a death, but thoughts lead to actions, and actions start to take on a life of their own that could end a life."
[...]
"Look around this world" he continued, "And you can't help but think that God is white..." he paused. "...And brown...and black... and yellow...and red." How cna He not be all of those colours? Is it not written that we are made in the image of God? That unfortunate, troubled young man who was killed was my brother, and so was his child. The young policeman is also my brother. The Woman lying in the hospital is my sister. We are all brothers and sisters."
[..]
"You must resist the urge to strike back. You must turn the other cheek. I believe most of you have heard of that" He looked up and smiled. "You must have the strength not to lash out against them with the same anger and hatred that they use against you. You must have the strength of Gandhi, or of Dr. King. For you must remember that only love can defeat hate. We were put on this planet to love our neighbours as we love ourselves. When you leave this house of worship today, I implore you to leave in peace and love. Reach out your hand, not to strike in anger but to greet in peace."

I think Mr. Smith is right. It's a two-way street and being prejudiced against the prejudice is the new hypocritical black of the 00's.

Such is how I see it.
Alice Dotty.
Chanson du jour: Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne.

Question

Hey May Swenson, How are you Today?
I'm alright, I think. My house is falling,
breaking, flaking, itching.

You asked me what you'd do if yours was fallen,
and everyone was all like "Oooh you're so poetic and poignant, yet heartbreaking."
but if you ask me, which you did,
I'd say your house is like canvas.

Mr. Feeny once said friendship is like canvas.
He was trying to rip it, he asked Cory to, and Cory couldn't, so Mr. Feeny took it back and a gave it a small little cut. He asked Cory to do it again, and the sheet ripped with little effort.

So Yeah, Ounce of prevention and stuff, but more like,
you're fucked anyways.
Might as well figure out what you're gonna do with those two smallish pieces of canvas than bother learnin' to sew, cuz by the time you learn that the things ripped a whole bunch anyways. Not sayin you shouldn't try sewin', it's useful, help out someone else maybe, even.

Such is this and how I am.
Alice Dotty.

Chanson Du Jour: Trumpets- Flipsyde

Stand up when They kick your Crutch.

So.

Hi.
I've decided that calling people by their real names isn't stupid, since if anyone who knows me reads this blog they'll know who I'm talking about anyways, and If I don't use last names it'll never matter unless I'm foundout, and if I am, Shit hits the fan anyways.

Braces came off, hair did too. Donating sum 15 inches (braided) to Angel Hair for kids : )

Merry Christmas.

Essays Essays Essays, no wonder everyone hates English Class. I didn't until I realized how shallow the questions would get. Someone, Help, Tell me how to tell them what I'm thinking, how meaning full that goddamn rabbit is, and the use of Goddamn.

I'm just in a slump, guys.

TwiMoms and Anxious, anxious, Anxiety (Forward men, attack!)

So KB and I walked to Wally-world (wal-mart) from Morningside, didn't go to Tae kwon do though.
Anyways she bought a bag of smartfood like a tool, like does my bag look that big to you? So she asked me to sneak it in so I put it under my jacket and walked like I was pregnant, when JL and CD saw us in the window, they died. So did I, when I saw my reflection. Ohhh dear.

Got a new record in In the Groove Arcade, (Yeeeeeah bitcheees)Sat down to watch the movie like 30 min before and OW tells me the girl behind me asked her if any tall people would be sitting where I'm sitting and she had said no, so I turn around "OHMIGOD CAN YOU SEE?"
"Uhh....Yeah?"
"areyousure?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Do you want gummi worms?" (From wally world)
"No. I'm fine"
Other twimoms crack up.
"Do YOU want some gummies?"
"No thanks you, we're fine"

AND THEY LAUGHED AT EVERYTHING. OH LORDY, I LOVE THEM.
At the end of the movie they told us we made their night and they hope we run into each other next June (Eclipse comes out)

Every time someone got hurt KB would laugh, I took off my bandana and gave it to her so she could cover her laughs. People were shushin' all over but she was trying so hard to be quiet. NK was screaming every time anything remotely un-safe happened. Ohhhh god. Hahaha!

KD and CD were talking in full-volume the ENTIRE TIME! In Scarburough? DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT? STFU.
I was shushing her so we didn't get kicked out and the twimoms thought it was hilarious.

KD: "OH MY GOD. Did you see-"
Me: "WHISPER!!!"
Twimoms burst out laughing and I realize my command was about as hypocritical as you get.
Bitchy girl shushes us.

And they wouldn't whisper! they would for a sentence then again "OH MY GOD" at something.
SHIT CONTROL YOURSELVES!


Anyways, New Moon was awesome, the rest of today? Not so much. In Math, everyone bombed the math. We had worked so hard for the cumulative that no one had time for the new stuff, and she never reviewed it.I was fully there at 8 and Mr. Mathteacher was in a meeting until class started, then the test was just out, like bang. I felt like crying, and RP, who I don't like was. She's in my second period too, along with another girl (SP) who was helping her out. RP FULLY ASKED THE TEACHER "is this type of question on the test?" and she said NO but there were THREE questions! Ouch.

And I had to quit School Alliance of Student Songwriters, I just have too much to do and not enough time! So I was upset because Mr. O was so nice and she was sad that I had to quit. I felt like such a failure.

And in English, My supposed safe haven I got into my group with J-something and KD (same one from the movie) and we're doing a project on Happiness in To Kill a Mockingbird; does it come from helping yourself or helping others? And J is completely wrapped up in thinking that it's asking "Does happiness come from accepting yourself as who you are or conforming to society so that people accept you. And instead of "Everyone's a bit of both" like we originally had, she's trying to make a chart of who's on what side, and then I started to help and BANG she's back to "This isn't working! Everyone's a bit of both. Do you want to base it on that instead?" How about YES because we ALREADY DID THAT and I have NO IDEA what you're talking about ANYWAYS. And I'm not good with not understanding English work because English work is where I live, It's what I do. I'm and English kid, It's my thing that I am just automatically good at. And Now I'm not in charge and I'm LOST, even.

So I went to the bathroom, just to breath. And I got myself together and went back.
As soon as I stepped in I saw J and freaked out again, but I sat down until KD left, and I couldn't stand not knowing and failing and being with J, who will not listen to anything I say. I tried understanding her, I really really did. But she's wrong and I have no idea what she's trying to do because that's not our project. She's rude and scary and hard to look in the eye because she holds her face weird and it scares me and I freaked out. So I left, put my drama face on and told mr. Englishteacher I was going to the bathroom. I ran out the door and cried and rocked and walked, and breathed but I couldn't breath so I just gasped for a while and it made funny noises.

But I got too cold so I had to walk inside, walk past all the music theater kids practicing, and breath, but I still was working on not gasping, so I stood just past my room until the bell rang and I waited for J to leave. Somewhere between my friends not asking or noticing despite them talking to me, and having three people I don't know well in French class ask me if I was okay, I learned to breath. I breathed and one girl in French class asked if I was okay but kept checking in on me. She's so nice, I've talked to her a bit before today. By the end of French class I was breathing, Talking, and...dare I say...enjoying the presentations and dishes from around the francophone world.

But Ms. Math said if we didn't finish our Tests we could go back after school. but I was supposed to stay after school to finish the presentations that are a week overdue. and I was supposed to get a ride with my dad instead of walking in the rain, and I was supposed to get ready for Tae Kwon Do. So I told Mrs. French Teacher that I had a math test to write and I told Mrs. Math teacher that I didn't know what I was doing anyways and I didn't have time, and THE LIGHTS WENT OUT FOR A LONG TIME! and the VP's were kicking us out of the school and they still weren't on when I left. It was awesome to be in the dark like that. That helped me smile.

But my favorite part of today was short lived; about 5 seconds. A walk from the car to the house after New Moon.
It's raining. It's dark, lit by streetlights and porch lights and inside lights that are warm. It's raining, pitter pattery big droplets, and it's hitting the remaining leaves on my from tree and dripping to the ground. It's cold, but brisk. More so refreshing, and nice. Wet, on my skin. I can see my breath and my fingers tingle. I want to stay outside but it's 12:50 and I don't have to go to bed, but I have to go inside. I'll sleep with my window open and my hair up tonight.

I'll listen to the rain and hold the inspiration in my chest that I got from watching a book come to life. From a girl with self-confidence issues, who can live with others but not herself. A girl I used to be, a girl who got saved like me. A girl who was loved, but lost.

This is who I am,
RainDots

Chansons du Jour:
World Behind My Wall - Tokio Hotel
About a Girl - The Academy is...
In My Place - Coldplay

P.s. Someone is asking to read my blog, I told them it's private and it's just an online journal so my mom can't find it. He said he's keep my secrets but I said My secrets aren't secrets if they're not mine. And I didn't say it, but I thought;
What you read reveals more than what I did that day, it's how I went through what I did that day, which is how I get by life, which is by being me. So I'd be giving him the key to my walls, and I don't think I know him enough for that. He's a little bit....creative, with his life tales, in the Dill sense. (To Kill a Mockingbird Reference, by the way)

Everybody, Yeah.

One of the most common questions I get is "Why?"
and it's almost always in reference to my vegetarianism.
And I think, for so many reasons it's right for me.
And I know how this will sound,
but I don't have a huge reason. One big astounding decision breaker.

the largest one, is my mom has cancer and I read going vegetarian decreases your chance of getting it by 50%.
and it's not like "omg I'm gonna get it because my mom has it oh noo"
No, more like "That's what it does to you?....Shit."

'Course I don't tell people that because it makes me sound like a crazy person with paranoia. Instead I tell them I'm allergic to meat.

And I am, Steak and some burgers and all hotdogs make me lightheaded and dizzy.
but I lived with it for 15 years, although in my defense, it had gotten worse. the same day I finally just said "fuck it, what am I doing?" and gave up meat, I met a tour guide for my grad trip who shared the same allergy as me. She said her allergy got worse the more she continued to eat meat and once puberty hit she would pass out at first bite.

Also, I figured meat's kinda gross, my dad's a terrible cook (no offense dad! Still love you, just not your charcoal-meatball burgers!), an excuse to try new foods, and my family eats nothing but the basic: Corn/pre-peeled baby carrots/peas/potatoes + steak/porkchops/chicken + potatoes/group 1/cheese. Twice a week we eat something ending in -ini or -ti with a (burnt) bread and chips/smarties ice cream/popcorn/open-and-bake pastry items for dessert.

Definitely prefer tamagoyaki, berry soup, pita pockets, and onigiri waaaay better.
If you're like "Oh shit, I could never be veg because I can't pronounce the foods"

Nah you can, I'm into Japanese cuisine, sorry for freaking you out.

Such 'n such is such. And Such.
Alice.

chanson du jour - The Underdog by Spoon

Bedside

I'm sitting on my bed, thinking of English class.
As I usually am, because it's probably the only one I'm doing Well in.
I mean I have a 70 in Higher Level (enriched) Math, a 74 in Enriched Science, and a C in French, but only because I didn't study for the test, which was on a Monday. (stupid) and for me, anything below 80, well I might as well be failing. I got the Drama award, the highest mark in the school. (Grade 9 drama's a joke and I didn't know you didn't have to take it to get into grade 10 drama so I wish I hadn't so I'd have another course open)

I have a full-length mirror that rests against my bookshelf (where I keep my books I don't know what do to with) which helps me battle the darkness. I can see nothing terrible is happening to me. No spiders, no people. It makes me feel safe. It makes me safe. It faces toward the end of my bed, so I can see my knees if they're not covered in blankets.
I sit there with my legs crossed, help up but my arms locked in each other. I'm in line, really, waiting for the bathroom. My mind wanders, as I look into my eyes.
where am I? I'm stressed, anxious. I'm in a dark place. This isn't me.

I leave and go to English class.
One girl in my class, thinks she can run it. She thinks she is equal to the teacher. She boasts her LuLuLemons and overpriced billboard clothes, her blackberry beeps everyday with text messages. She's very important, she has to have it on at all times, you see. She got a bad mark on a quiz because she was away the day before and didn't know to read the next chapter, but we read a chapter everyday. She fought and kicked and scratched until the teacher changed the topic.
Lips puckered enough to kiss the kiss of death, eyes glaring. She'll have her revenge yet.


Later in the week, Teacher says "we're going to perform part of the play we're reading, I'm assigning groups and parts tonight, but if performing in front of a bunch of people is going to ruin your week and make you cry, let me know and we can do some written work instead."

Revenge girl, loud, ever important shouts out.
"Why do the quiet people always get their way? Why can't we ever doing something the loud people want to do?"

My eyes POP. My jaw DROPS. ARE YOU KIDDING? I can feel my face reddening. I bite my tongue. I don't hear what the teacher says, or I hear but don't listen.

I raise my hand. I count to 10. I count to 20. I count and I breathe deeply and my friends turn and laugh at my color of face. It's a desperate laugh. Like they're scared but want to know what I'm going to say. I'm called on.

"Because some people are afraid of acting before a group of people! You're not afraid of doing deskwork, you're not going to cry and freak that you have deskwork to do. It's ENGLISH class, it's required. It's not drama class. It's not about what quiet people or loud people want to do. It's about what the Englishclass wants to do and if some one in our class is afraid to do it then our class doesn't have to partake in drama."

The teacher says something and agrees but the class starts talking. the loud people are angry and the quiet people are quiet. The war has started and I chose the Militia instead of the army. We are weaponless, and for the most part, anonymous.
Loud and clear, we hear Revenge girl and (new person) Important Girl talking.
"Like, I wanted to be with them because I'm nice and they're smart, but now I just don't know...They're soo..."
"Quiet."
"Ya!"

So I sit on my bed. I am scared because in my safe place of well-doing I am in a war. I stand alone, I feel like a mother looking out for children. They either don't feel involved or are too scared. I'm not quiet, but I'm respectful. I'm not loud, but I'm talkative.
I don't fit on either side. I am Canada. I am fighting because I need to defend people I care about. I have sided with those who guide me, and I am fighting those who rebel without cause. I am Canada and I am scared.

The mirror tells me so. I am scared. I am scared and angry. I should have kept my mouth shut. No one likes the underdog, but they hate the person defending them.

It was like this last year. Drama Class. I told on my class who bullied a nice boy with a disability until he was an angry boy who didn't know better. I came from a school where a lot of people had disabilities. Maybe I have more experience dealing with it, but they tortured him. No one stood up. So I did.

My friend did something that made me cry. When they found out I told, He yelled "FUCK OFF" with my name and swore about how terrible I was. Amazing girl turns around and stares him down, knocking past him as she walks to my side.

NO ONE LIKES THE UNDERDOG.
EVERYONE HATES THE DEFENSE.

The mirror tells me I wish I could just sit down for once. Standing is making me tired, more than I am. But something deeper tells me I will be standing until I die.

I wrote a letter to my English Teacher, it was out first assignment. I was supposed to write about my family life, my favorites, ext. Just a simple writing assignment.

Instead I wrote:

“When injustice becomes law, Rebellion becomes duty”

My favorite quote is for this reason, that I respect the people around me. It holds such meaning to me that I dare underline, bold, and center align it. If I have no freedom, what do I have? If I have no chosen friends, but limits on who I can speak with, who is really a friend? If I have no God, but restrictions on the bibles I read, what is really my religion? If I have no choice, but an assigned role, what is my true niche? Where do I fit in a society that holds no place for who I am? Where can I stand out in a life that requires my personality is part of the dress code? If I can not be proud of who I am, if I can not play the cards in my hand without having them censored, how will I know my hand’s full potential? How would anyone?"

and the mirror tells me, I'm realizing I know who I am. And I like me. And I think that's more than a lot of people can say. So I'll be happier, I'll be prouder. No one likes the underdog, but I think I like the defense a whole lot.
And this, is who I am.

Yours truly,
Alice Dotty.
Chanson du Jour: Starbright - Quietdrive

Human Connect to Human

Humanoid Came out, the new CD by Tokio Hotel ;)
Mucho love. Oh, and I won the Drama award. YEAH MAN. HIGHEST GRADE 9 MARK IN DUNBARTON! WHATCHU WANT?

: )
I couldn't believe it when I got the letter. Glad I continued with it! : )

So, Hey.

I've kinda been super ridiculous busy.
My semester is: Enriched Science, Enriched Math, Enriched English, French.
I'm also joining Student association of Songwriters to help with my music theory & playing and Anime Club (Which I'm now designing shirts for? Okay.)
So I gave up facebook but I signed up for volentia and I'm spending more time on it then I ever did facebook.

And I LOST MY DRAGON RING! The one of the dragon eating his own tail and it spins around? That one. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety attacks!
But it's in my house soooomewhere. Please, please, please return it. Please please Please.

such is it
Rain Dots

Dust In the Wind (Acoustic Guitar) - Linken Park

Learn More >>

So. Sister is going to drop her Major. Well, trying to convince my mom to let her.
Seriously? You already dropped out of/flunked out of another university.
God. Just because this isn't coming naturally to you and you have to actually try. Hello, welcome to the rest of the world. Oh so nice of you to join us.

You can't just quit cuz it's a little bit hard, You've only been to one class.
Suck it up buttercup, you have one more chance to waste the money that's going towards OUR education. Don't make me beat you.

Anyways, School's hard for me right now. (Notice I didn't say "too?" SHE HAS HAS ONE CLASS)
I come home and I have Math EVERYDAY. then I have at least two other subjects with homework : English French or Science. I'm working until 9 at LEAST everyday. Am I switching my courses to academic? NOPE.

It's my oms only dream to have us go to uni. God, why is this so hard for you?

Such is this, suckily
Rain Dots

Chanson du Jour: The Permanent Rain - The Dangerous Summer

Where I go At Night

Where I go At Night

When you’re in bed at night, what do you think about? How your day went? What
you could have done better? What You’ll do tomorrow? Remember the good times? Do
you giggle to yourself?



Cry?


Do you wish someone would find you crying and help you? Do you wish someone would knock on your window, or throw stones? Does it ever happen?

Where do you go at night? Stay in bed? Go to a club? Go someplace secret? Go someplace imaginary? Where do you go at night, what do you do when you’re alone in bed, with your thoughts and regrets and anxiety and hope? I go someplace, that I hate, but I have to go.

A Rose by Any Other Name

When I was little, and in the car I remember looking at the trees and thinking "What if we didn't have any trees? They'd just be called something else. Brekelle or something."

Brekelle is a much better name for Tree.

So Shakespeare, I thought of it first! Haha. Kidding, of course.

And I think the ϛ sound is really nice, and pretty is you write it with a C.

My second born girl, with be
Alice Ann. But other names I've thought of, and really like are
Ciel (with a cédille, of course)
Eli
Jo (for a girl)
Nikki
Hikaru
Kokoro

such is this, to be edited later, Byebye!
Rain

"I won't shut up!" Is what I couldn't say, on account of being shut up.

Grandpa is alive and well.
Today in English, Mrs. Johnson asked us if we knew any heroes, like the ones in "My left foot" (about a guy with cerebal palsy in the 1930's, and his mother never gave up on him and then he wrote with his left foot and wrote several books & poems and his memoir, which is written with a huuuge vocabulary)

And I said my mom was a hero, for the time Grandpa was in the hospital and could only swear and sing in French (my grandpa doesn't speak french) and the doctors said he was going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life, and to pull the plug, and my mom said "He's fighting so we will fight" and moved him to another hospital.

I was crying at the end and didn't continue to the part about how his brain was bleeding recently, and how grandpa is a hero like Christy (the guy in the book) because he is a fighter too. and I didn't get to say that she's also a hero for beating cancer, and picking herself up off the ground after. And I didn't get to say how my dad is a hero because he understood how much I didn't want to be there so he stayed with her. If I had gotten there, I would have had to have left. Right away. Because it was so hard to look at myself on the days that I didn't go to the hospital, and it was hard to look at myself on the days I did, because it made it more real.

When my dog died, She was 7, and should have lived longer, but she died of Cancer. When we found the lump, my mom was a stay-at-home mom and my dad worked too jobs, and we didn't have the money to help her if we could. I kept saying "She can't have it, because she doesn't deserve it." but I think that's when I stopped believing in god, because there was nothing more terrible than killing that dog, who loved us and was loved by us and was there for everything. there was nothing more cruel than taking her away from me when I loved nothing more.

When we took her to the vet, she was okay, but as soon as she was home, comfortable, she was put on the ground and she just felt safe enough to let her gaurd down, and collapsed. We took her back, and the vet said "Is there anyone who wants to leave the room?" Why would he say that? It wasn't an option before he said that. And I made a choice, and the wrong one, and I regret it everyday. I regret leaving my best friend in her last moments, I regret watching my family walk to the car where I was sitting, and I regret being there for so long and not going in! I should have gone in! Why did I even leave?


Ihave to stop now, because My mom is home and I need to stop crying.
But I've been haveing anxiety attacks a lot, and I think crying is good, maybe?

Such is such, for now.
Rain Dots

Chanson du Jour: Everything We Had - The Academy is...

So Here's how this Goes.

Grandpa's funeral was today.
Step-gma was all shakey and tipping over the whole time.
We bought 2 dozen roses and gave them out, I put three on Grandma's headstone because they wanted to be buried together anyways, and then I put one on Grandpa's (He had enough from other people.)

I will forever miss going to Grandpa's house and watching him put in milk before his tea. I will forever miss cabbage rolls and those gaudy, ugly teapots and seafoam colored walls.
R.I.P Grandpa

Then we went to the church, met someone who knew my grandma (she died when I was two.)
Then out to a Linner (lunch/dinner) to one of his favorite spots, had his favorite cellery bread, then we went to his old ice cream spot, then we left. On the way back to the chruch to get my uncles' car, ym mom gets a call saying that grandpa's brain is bleeding.


Holy fucking shit.



Basically, when he had his stroke X amount of years ago, his brain bled which led to parlysis, lost the ability to speak coherently (all he could do was swear, and sing in French. Yeah, appaerntly having a stroke teaches you a language you never knew before, Who knew?) anyways, he had been acting weird the apst couple of days so I dunno if it had been bleeding for a while or if it happened there cuz I'm not about to ask my mom.

My aunt was calling my mom and filling her in, BAWLING, both of them. and I was texting my cousin keeping her informed, and I think she was crying too because her messages were all pretty blah. I tried not to cry, but I did. jsut abit, not one noticed, which isn't hard to do.

(once I was bawling ym eyes out in the car with the radio off, reading this incredibly sad book, which is now my favorite [Between Mom & Jo by Julie Ann Peters] and NO ONE NOTICED. Like, snot rags gallore, I had to stop every sentence or two to clear my eyes, I lost all my makeup in that fit, and no one noticed! Ouch.)

Anyways, he's feeling better, we think because he's acting better than he did yesterday.
Oh, And Grandma says she won't make it to Christmas. ( her brithday)
and the doctors said that Grandpa wouldn't make it through the week, but they also said he would die the first time this happened.


Please don't die grandpa, you still have a life, you still have family.

Such is how it goes,
Rain Dots

Chanson du Jour: Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk

When I'm going down, don't worry bout me. You said you can't see, then I won't take you with me.

So.
Here goes.
My camping experience.

Day 1: Poured rain all night. Woke me up, hardly slept. Parents got up for coffee & Tea at nine.
Day 2 & 3: super windy, pretty cold. No one my age was there. Saw a 3 Year old baby, just eating 'n chillin. Out of someones garbage.
Day 4: Ranger shows up with a note. Grandpa (dad's side, he's in a nursing home) has stopped eating. Do you want to rehydrate him in the hospital? Choice: He's 87, alzheimer's, no.
Day 5: Ranger shows up with a note. Grandpa is dieing. Come.
Day 6: Dad wakes up at 5 in the morning, leaves at 7. Grandpa dies at 2:30.
Day 7: Dad come back to the camping spot, brings sister.

->TIMEWARP!
Week 2
Day 2 & 3: Sailing. got second
Day 4: Sailing still
Day 5: Fun night with by guy friends.
Day before we leave: We throw a party in honor of my Grnadpa, all sailing members come, we bring up the boat he made, sails full. McC collected stories and told them, cried at the end. Dad told stories, cried at the end. Hugs, hugs hugs, thanks for coming, he was a great man, hugs hugs hugs.

I cried a bit the day he died, but still haven't really cried.

Monday: woke up early, supposed to hang out with M, she bailed.
Tuesday: Hung with KQ & S, S has changed
Wednesday: Hung with KT, her hair is funny, we watched 17 Again, was supposed to go to Wonderland (amusement park) with KQ, S and C, but could only go on thursday. We changed our plans.
Thursday: C bails last minute, we're not an odd number, which means one of us will have to ride alone on the rides. (I took it. for EVERYTHING.) Got sick, wanted to see the show. The Zambonie caught fire, they couldn't get the smoke out so it was canceled. Sky turned yellow, shingles flew around, no one could pick us up. An hour later, we have to drive through it, the power's off. Tornado went through Toronto, Where most of my friends live, to whitby, where my god sis lives. And it was supposed to go to where I live.

The sky was yellow, KQ and S were freaking out, sister wasn't home from work. Mom & dad came to pick us up, since she was on her way back from getting stuff out og my gpa's house anyways. When we all got home the storm had passed, and my mom called my aunt to vent about how scary everything was, and talk about when happened with ym step grandma.
Two words in my aunt says "Our mother has lung cancer, her eyes are swollen shut, and her skin is falling off. The doctors have been calling for two weeks but since my grandpa's been left handicapped from his stroke years ago, and my grandma has been bed ridden from a spinal fracture when she tried to pick him up after a fall, they never got it.

Grandma finally called my aunt when her eye was swollen shut.

The funeral for my grandpa is Tomorrow. My grandma is in denial.

People dying, or having cancer, or possibly dieing,
It's now as common as a head cold.

Creativity has left me, I died too.
Rain Dots.

Chanson du Jour: January by Project 1.9

Au courant

I'm Back.
I had a meh time, I hope whoever's reading this had a better vacation/staycation than I did, because only one night was any sort of special.

why are guys so much easier to get along with?
Girls are just so caddy, and if you ask me,
Finding a bashful guy is a lot easier than finding a bashful girl.
Is no one humble anymore?

Anyways, the night on the rocks watvching a meteor shower with two people who really should have known what a meteor shower looked like, but didn't, and laughing about me & my romance with a 40-50 year old Dutch man with calves the size of footballs & who also ends all of his heavily-accented sentences with "Yeh?"

Also, Second place in Jr. Mirror Dinghy Provincials.
Which was all stupid anyways, because no one was a member except me and we were all single-handing when it should have been two people per boat. Hahaha, there was no wind, and "Harmgardener" got so angry. He was standing up shouting my name in the messed up way he does with some sort of weird accent he doesn't actually have and yelling "THIS IS STOOOPID! CAN WE GO IN?" Hahaha.
"SHUT UP, HARMGARDENER! I'M WORKING ON MY TAN!"
"ELECE!(Alice, supposedly) PUT YOUR F*KING LIFE JACKET BACK ON. THE WINDS ARE TOO NIGH! YOU COULD TIP THE BOAT!"

Again, There was no wind.
However, the droning sarcasm could have easily supplied power to a third world country.

Other than that, and meeting people who sailed a Catamaran, and one girl who was 14 turning 15 in October, but also looked 18, nothing exciting happened. I really wish I could have gotten their e-mail or something, they were cool.

Such 'n such 'n more to come.
-Alice Dotty, Rain dots

Chanson du jour: Nine In the Afternoon - Panic! At the Disco

What Summer School Taught me.

I learned somethings, like how our government works, and what I should do to reach my goals, ect.

But what I will cherish the most from Summer School is what a little boy taught me.

I had to go to the bathroom, and we were watching a really dumb movie so I left even though there were only 15 minutes left in school. Of course the school had half the bathrooms locked so I had to go downstairs, past the office. I can hear some kid whining, he's almost in tears. He's shout at his mom "But I didn't do any of it!"
and she says "Well that's not what they said." She said it like she was one of those mothers that was really passive and probably let him do whatever he wanted.
"But they said I did it! They told everyone it was me and it wasn't! It was them!"
They paused and looked at me until I had passed them and was out of hearing.
On my way back he was talking to someone else, who looked happy, not like he was happy this kid was in trouble, but like he was making progress, or something. I don't know, but even though he was smiling at this poor guys situation, I didn't hate him for it.

so basically, the rest of it made it sound like this kid got set up and no one would believe him so he took out his frustrations. He's in summer school for grade 7 or 8 or something, so obviously he failed something, and usually if you're stupid, people think you're bad too.

But I got to thinking. If his mom doesn't stand up for him, Who will? I mean sure, he could have done it, but if someone doesn't ask for a second chance, who will?
and then I thought, Why did it matter that someone said he did it? Why did he care he got framed if he knows he didn't do it? Shouldn't that be enough? Didn't they just end up getting what they wanted by getting him angry enough and then him acting on it?


If they had framed him, and he didn't care, what would happen? 20-something people would consider that he did it. He might get a bad rep, but at the end of the summer he'd never see them again and that'd be it.

But because it mattered to him, because he stuck up for himself and took out his anger on someone, he got in trouble, he'll probably get kicked out of summer school and he'll have to stay behind a year.

If you don't care that they care, they lose. They don't get anything out of it. Stop caring about them! Those who care don't matter, and those who matter don't care.
Don't let them win! I wanted to say. Don't let them ruin it for you!

I believe I can fly, cuz I feel so alive.

I'm Alive! New posts coming soon! (hopefully)
I leave on Saturday for a two-week camping trip with my family, so if I don't get a post up on Saturday You'll get a HELL of a lot after camp.

But I'm alive! Judith was here, met my sisters boyfriend, and they both left. Saaaadface!

I'm ALIVE!

Meeting someone and seeing them only sometimes is better than not meeting sombody and not seeing them ever.

Because I would be sad without Skye. 'Cuz she makes my day, on the days I see/speak to her.
And she might not have money, for clothes, cable, internet, or food, but she's got what it takes to try until she gets there. I'm thinking of getting a job in September, lord only knows not at fast food (again). Because it's impossible to get a job in the summer, what with the college/uni students coming home and wanting jobs, and no one wants a job when they're just starting up school again.

(Not to mention I'm away for the first two weeks of August.)



->Oh dear, Civics exam tomorrow. (note: Taking civics now so I don't have to take it in September. I didn't fail, I'm being nerdy. Thanks)

-> 92% on my ISU! Baller.

->M and S got a 96 and a 91 last update, and I had a 77. Whaaaaaat the eff, Mr. K

SOMETIMES SKYE MAKES ME SAD.
But mostly she makes me happy, because she's not like anybody else. She doesn't act or like anything anybody else I know does. And sometimes, I think she wishes she was average, and didn't have to stand out so much, or get looks or have people confuse her for a guy.

But mostly, she makes people happy and those are the people that matter anyways, and she's probably sort of used to it, or as used to it as anyone is.

Before, I was selfish and wanted her to live with me so I could hang out with her everyday and have a friend that knew everything and would listen to everything and would be completely honest and open with me. (Yes, I have many amazing friends. But they don't, they can't know everything. Because if they know, everyone would know.)

But now, I want Skye to live with me so she has food and is healthy and so she doesn't have to be glue for her family like she is probably being. So she doesn't have to be strong and not cry even if she's upset.

I'm going to get a job in September to help her and her family, and help Chris with his braces, and I will tell them I got money from friends, like 2$ donations and stuff and they will never know I saved up. No more money spending! The jar of coins is now for them.

No more lunches for me.

Such is such'nsuch,
Alice

Chanson du jour: So In This Hour - The Rocket Summer

Painting pictures With F#'s and Bb's

(F Sharps and B flats, that is, of course)

Well, I was looking through Gelaskins to find something for my Ipod, when I ran across some awesome art, which is pretty. And I realized that Amy Sol, who does the art for some skins has also done the backround for my computer (Or rather, her art has not only been turned into ipod skins, but I'm also using it as the backround for my computer)

It's pretty and soft and cute.
And Ku Kula is also very good, along with Audrey Kawasaki Stella Im Hultberg, and I ran across this site which has work from all of them, plus Brandi Milne.

I think Tara McPhearson has some competition for my favorite,
HeeHee. But I won't stop loving her : )

Such is this and Stuff and things,
Alice Dotty

Chanson Du Jour : Wo Sind Eure Hände - Tokio Hotel (If you hate them, Don't hate me!)
Favorites from:
Ku Kula (Look at the 6th one "Brought together"), Stella Im Hultberg (Third last), (I'll get more later)

Living for two.

No, I'm not pregnant. I'm living for two.
My mom had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks, she would tell me about it, because she talks. That's how she lets it out. I'm very much the same, except I have restrictions on who I will talk to, where I am when I will talk about it, and who I should tell first
(ex., "could it be cancer?" "Oh no, don't worry about it, Alice."(turns back to the phone) "Yeah C, They didn't even let me off when I thought I had cancer." "Mom? I'm in the room....")

Anyways. that only happens......almost everyday.....

but I won't ask my mom about it, because I don't want to know. Because I think I already do, and I don't want her to talk about it.

He is a he, His name is Darcy.
that's what my name would have been if I were a boy.
And sometimes I wonder, Am I really "Darcy?"
Was that baby supposed to be me, just earlier?
No....I don't think I'd be who I am without the people I've met along the way......

So I am living for two. Living for Alice, and Living for Darcy. (Darce, I hate your name. I'm nick-naming you Dark, but spell it like Darc, okay? Oh wait, big brothers don't get their say anyways. Sorry, Darc. Love you anyways. Hope I'm living up to your standards.)

Such is how we are,
Alice Dotty (a.k.a. Rain Dots) && Darc (a.k.a. Darcy)

Chanson du jour-> Happy Birthday - Piper ft. Tatu (REALLY reccomend this. Especially for right now)

O Juliet, Juliet, wherefore art thou Juliet?

Woo! A response!
She doesn't think I'm creepy!
What a relief.
Oh dear, but now she has my blog address and my past blogs have been so sad!
I didn't make this to be sad, I promise. I don't really know what I made it for, really.
I just like writing, I suppose.
Well, She'll have to forgive me, or not read them : )
That works too!

Ahh well, Tae Kwon Do tonight, even though I'm so tired.
Keep on keepin' on, I guess.

got my report card today, 85 Average, YEAH! 95 in Drama, 90 in gym, 77 in Math (Which is a step up from the 56. I suppose I should have actually done the homework in the beginning. Class average? 67. Haha.) and a 78 in Science.

Honor roll! My parents reaction? "NO! ARE YOU SERIOUS? WE HAVE TO GO TO ANOTHER 4 HOUR HONOR ROLL ASSEMBLY?"

Hee. They're proud, just lazy.

Such is this,
Alice Dotty ( A.k.a. Rain Dots)

Chanson du Jour: Between the Lines - MONKEY MAJIK

I Guess I'm Pretty Today.

I walked home from the mall, on the side with grass, and trees and flowers. (I guess I miss camping. Already)
And Guys whistled at me, and yesterday at McD's two guys were looking in through the drive thru window, and staring at me. That slapped hands and made out like that had already 'Been there done that.'

I've never seen them before in my life.
I have never felt so dirty.
Why?
I used to like it,
So why?
Why not anymore?
What changed?

We're still in Pickering, J.

J isn't leaving. Why do I feel like I'm not either? We're not best friends, and we hardly see each other, so why does him staying make me feel like I'm not leaving everything else?

Abort, Abort, Abort. Resume Fetal possition.

Well.....

I guess I should explain my previous blog. although I think If I left it that way it'd be all cool and mysterious. Like I'm arty. which I am, I just like things explained. I am up for interpretation, but I don't really care what you get out of it. I mean, me. My thoughts.....Anyways...

I might be moving. To Guelph. From Dunbarton to whatever schools are in Guelph. For my dads' work. But we're apparently like 100 m out of range for paid moving or whatever. So my dad will probably have an hour and a half commute, which is a bitch. Or we could move. But do I want to move? I hate the people here so much, and my school is so lame for clubs, and everyone is so dumb. And I've always been Jealous that everyone I know moved elementary schools. They all have firneds they can vent to that aren't involved.

I mean, I have my sailing friends, but they're all older. I try talking to H, but mostly she has her own problems (mostly because she's really moody and complicated, tee hee. I pray she never knows I think that.) and she's too old to relate. She's 5 years older but we've been friends forever. She vents to me all the time, but when I try to vent to her she giggles and says my problems are childish. Ouch. Have you looked at YOUR problems lately? Just because you get drunk and have sex doesn't make yours mature, and mine juvenille, thanks.

M's a good friend I can talk to, but he's busy with his girlfriend. N' has his own issues and never comes online. Or to camp anymore. It hurts me that he did what he did, and that they're treating it like a dirty secret. We all know, and we all care. Don't treat us like you're expecting us to judge badly, you should know us better than that.

Other than that, who do I have? Sure there are my Convention friends, but they are the type to be too busy partying to hear me. S would listen, for sure. But she's not always there. J's LEAVING. Cutting ALL TIES.

He's why I broke down the other day, why I'm writing this. I mean, I saw his note on FB that he's probably cutting all ties and moving to FLORIDA to try and start again. Well somewhere in between that and Remembering Sunday - All Time Low I started crying, and I couldn't stop.

Because My Friends might be immature, and some of them only ask me to help them with school, and some never invite me anywhere and some are drifting apart which hurts me really bad....
I don't want to move. I like what I have here and I don't think I'd be accepted where I'd go. Like, What if there is no SR, SS? No MS, MR? No KQ? No CS or MQ or KT? Who will look after the people I know, who will be their Mama, or make sure they don't fail French. Who will make sure they make it through their brakeup? Who will beat those guys up? Who will be the shoulder to cry on? Who will always be available? Who will make sure my friends don't get into smoking or drugs or sex? Who will look after J? Who will hold rain parties? Who will promise to take them sailing?

I guess I could be replaced, or my role could be forgotten.

My mom moved in grade 12, she graduated with little to no friends. I didnt' want to ask.
And of course I'd be moving in grade 11 or 12. My mom says Dad could move and when I go to university I'd stay in dorms and she'd move to him again.

Am I going to put my friends before my family and split us up? Can I do that? Could I be that selfish? Could I last two years without my dad? Could my parents get together and not think about whether or not they liked it better alone? Do I have to choose? Would I change? that's stupid, Yes I would. Would I like the change in me? Is it for the better? Worse?

S, Please cry for me. I'll cry for so much more. Please tell me you'll cry for me.
Everybody, please say you'll miss me.
Please say you know who I am.
Please say you'll keep me who I am.
Please say you'll visit.
Please say I meant something to you.
Because what I'm really afraid of is you going on without me.
And Me not going on without you.
That you're the only kids who'd give me a second glance.
That you're the only kids I'd want to give me a second glance.

Such Is this,
Alice Dotty


Chanson Du Jour: Remembering Sunday - All time Low

I'm not coming back (forgive me)
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak (I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just (You're driving me crazy, I'm)
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
So many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds,
Towering over your head.

"Well I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home"

Inevitable

Chanson Du Jour: I don't wanna Be - Gavin Degraw

Least favorite word for Right Now:

in⋅ev⋅i⋅ta⋅ble/ɪnˈɛvɪtəbəl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation

[in-ev-i-tuh-buhl]

–adjective

1.	unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped; certain; necessary: an inevitable conclusion.

2.	sure to occur, happen, or come; unalterable: The inevitable end of human life is death.

–noun

3.	that which is unavoidable.

Your tears were sad, but they made me happy. : )

Today is probably the last day of school for a lot of people who don't have a stupid science practical lab on Monday. (Minus exams) It was Also Mrs. Middlebrookes' baby shower.

Near the end, T got up and said "We have another thing to say. Next year two of us are leaving, first off, A. Is she here?" (She wasn't there) "And J!"
(This is where they all were really loud and annoying and made really painful crying noises over each other.)

Just to distract myself, I told S and MS I might be leaving and moving to Guelph next year.
S Cried for me.
She tried to blow it off like she was fake crying, but she was actually crying, tears and all.
"Don't leeeaaaave! Aliiiiice, Don't leaaaave!"

I mocked her for the rest of the day, and I tried telling her I'm probably not because my mom moved in grade 12 and HATED it.

But S CRIED for me. I didn't know ANYONE would cry for ME, of all people, even if I was leaving for good.
Of course I'd come back, to visit and whatever.
I mean, we only have 3 more years together anyways, if I stay.

Damn. That's really sad, actually.

Anyways, Samba BBQ at E's house on the 26th. Super goodtimes, no doubt. : )

They see Me Creepin', They Freakin'...

Alright, so I wrote on Juliets' blog today. And her friend Kats', and they both have pretty hard lives. And I know for a fact that things get better. I was seriously considering suicide at one time, not that anyone knows or will ever know unless they find this.

The only thing that got me through it was Lionel. There, I said it. Lionel saved my life. I think I told him something along those lines, not fully like that, but he did. and I know it sounds cheesey, and it's stupid, but all my friends, even my good friends weren't the type you could turn to when you have a shit day, or worse. They're the type that'll joke with you, and they can vent to you, but they're not good with advice or listening. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have changed them then and I wouldn't change them now, but I needed something else and it was Lionel.

He picked me up, showed me not everybody hates me, that someone will stand up for me, that someone can like me, that I wasn't alone. He didn't vent to me, or tell me his problems, he went to someone else, and I can't help feeling he thought I couldn't take it, and Oh god I was so fragile then. But I think, if Lionel came to me, I think it would have been harder to say goobye, and I think he knew he wasn't staying for long. I don't know how exactly He came and saved me, what he did. I liked him, I definetly liked him.

Aurhgs.
How did this turn into a blog about my first crush?

God, I need to get on track.
Anyways, I hope juliet and Kat don't think I'm a creeper. I'm younger than Juliet, and I think same with Kat.

Juliet, you just need somebody to vent to until you can find a place where you're at peace, you know, ride out the storm.

Kat, You just gotta find a balance between who you are and who you want to be, and I'm fighting the same war. You gotta let go of whatever happened and know only that you're not letting go, that people won't let you. Letting go isn't a set 12-step program, and it's not just turning your back on it. you know that, I'm sure. Find some closure. Be at peace with it.

It all gets better, or it could all get worse. But eventually, the ride stops. And No one knows you were on it, and you're glad you're off the ride, but you're even more glad you're not strapped down, and walking around free is a little scary too, but it's a fix you can take as much as you want of.

Such is how it is,
Alice Dotty

The Avalanche - Sufjan Stevens

Warm Wynter

If you go to my school, then your first period teacher on Monday told everyone to sit down and shut up, because they had something important to say. And by the way they said "Something important" you started looking around the room to see who was missing.

"It is with great regret I inform you of a student attending Dunbarton high schools' death. Over the weekend Jordane Wynter Passed away. There will be grief counseling in guidance and a service on Wednesday. We will try to keep you informed of any new about the funeral. We hope your prayers and well wishes go out to the Winter Family in their Time of Need."

That Day I saw About One Hundred People Crying.

And If you go to my school, that's all you heard.
"It's Jordane not Jordin"
"I heard he was in gangs..."
"I heard he did drugs..."
"I heard it was a hate crime."
"I heard his appendix burst."
"...Lungs collapsed"

Who are you hearing this from? Why Are you telling it to other people if you don't actually know? Where did this come from?

____________________________________________tuesday.

"As you may have heard yesterday, we regret to inform you of a death in our school. Jordane Wynter Passed away over the weekend due to blood clots in his lung. We hope all of your prayers and well wishes go out to Jordanes' friends and family. Grief Counseling will be provided by the board in guidance."

Yeah. So Up Yours, rumors. It was Blood clots. Stupid rumors, Blood clots who'd be dumb enough to listen to you anyways? He died. He sounds like a nice guy from what my friend told me. Blood clots killed him. She didn't really know him but she had talked to him before a couple times. They'll get her too.

What?
The blood clots. The same ones your mother has, in her lungs. The antibiotics gave her blood clots when she was being treated for Kidney cancer. She has them too. Not any more but when she goes back, she will. She'll be on blood thinners again. She won't be able to fly on a plane or sail. She won't be happy any more. And then She'll die. She'll die unhappy. She'll die cancerous, taking blood thinners and she won't be happy. That's how it'll kill her, didn't you know?
Shut Up. This isn't about her.
But that's why you cried isn't it? That's why you almost left your classroom, that's why you couldn't laugh at the awkward jokes told to try and change the atmosphere. That's why you almost walked into the library, that's why you asked again how he died, isn't it?
Fuck. Can't anybody die without me thinking it's her next? Oh god.

Don't let me be right.
Don't let me ever be right.

_________________________________________________________________________wednesday.

They Moved his table today. It used to be in front of guidance, and it had a whole bunch of big cards and pictures. The every card was covered. My friend wrote on it. I guess they had his funeral.


__________________________________________________________________________everyday.


Did you ever notice that when someone dies, they suddenly become the most perfect people? All of a sudden they're popular and everyone knows them and they don't have flaws. I hope it's not like that for me, I hope people say things like "Do you remember when she said she would beat up that Katlyn girl when she told everyone Alice was an agressive bitch? Hahaha, she's all bark, no bite. She's too much of a coward to hurt someone. But at the time, I didn't doubt her."

I know I didn't do everything right and I've hurt people's feelings, but I don't want those parts taken out of my life. That's probably about 50% of my life, I don't want it to just dissapear. In my will I will have a requirement that everyone has to say One bad thing about me, and if they can't find something or they do a cop-out I'm going to haunt them in the after life.

Such is this,
Alice Dotty

Chanson Du Jour: Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne

My prayers and sympathy go out to anyone who knows Jordane Wynter, his family, or his friends.

On a Rolllller coaster ride.

I miss the idea of Skye being here.
I miss the idea of having my two worlds collide (My con friends, and my school friends)
I miss the idea of having a best friend that I can share all of my stupid jokes and interests with.
I miss the idea of not being the smartest.
I miss the idea of being able to talk to someone.
I miss the idea of AN '09 being around the corner.
I miss the idea of being there for Skye.
I miss the idea of Skye.
I miss the idea of Taking care of someone.
I miss the idea of laughing harder than I do.
I miss the idea of Skye being here everyday.
I miss the idea of talking to her everyday.

Wonderland tomorrow.
I miss the idea of Skye coming on Behemoth with me.

Such is how it goes,
Alice Dotty (Dotty = nickname for Rain dots ;} )

Chanson du jour: When it was good, by Flipsyde

Skye's the Limit.

SKYE WAS SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH ME!!!! Noooo.

She was going to be homeless, while her parents sorted shit out with their idiot banker (Did I say you were GETTING 11g's? Oops, I mean to say you OWE 4g's. Haha, my bad) and I made plans and we talk/laughed on the phone for about two hours. Ahh well. She might visit in the summer but I'm going to accelerated grade 10 courses in the summer so I can take Spanish. and I'm camping.

But I pretty much had anxiety attacks all day because of it. I thought my parents were going to say no. Who could say no to a 17-year old girl without a home? How could you do it? It's not like we're picking her up off the street and she's tweaked out on cocaine. (Or is she? It'd explain a lot.)( Jooookes)(Mostly.)(I love you Skye.) But I left her a message on facebook telling her to call me as soon as she got the message and I had to talk to her A.s.a.p. so I left my phone beside my bed on low so it wouldn't wake my parents if she called. I stayed up half the night waiting for her to call and almost fell asleep in class. I felt like I couldn't breath, I would walk around feeling out of breath like I ran a marathon. I was going through everypossibility ( mostly bad ones) I guess it didn't help.

Anyways, I spent 140$ on books on the weekend. Wheee! I have so much to read now! Yay.
And the twelve-minute run has been postponed. due to rain and Mrs. Middlebrooke not being there. Yaaay! If she has it on Friday, Shannon, Michelle S., Lauren, Kate, and I don't have to! Yaaay! I hope she does it.... Poor Jonelle, she has to do it alone. Probably better for her, she always seems so embarassed during gym class. But We're just lookin' out. I don't think she should be embarassed, I know why she is, but I don't think she should be. She can't help it, and she still tries. She knows her limits, but that's not a bad thing.

Such is how it goes,
Alice (a.k.a. RainDots)

Song Du Jour: As I figure Out - The New Cities

Carnies who love screamo.

Carnival was today. Supposed to be Thursday, but it got rained out. At the carnival, we have bands form our school play, like No Currency (Someone told me they sucked, bu they were actually pretty good. Not that you could hear the vocals.) And the band Johnny is in. ( I was walking from Tim Hortons and this kid has his entire torso out of the car window and he shouts "HEY! DO YOU GO TO DUNBARTON? GO TO DHS ENCORE!" and they started to drive away so he yells like he's on a rollercoaster. Really. No joke. The Window? Really? C'mon pal. Sunroof. I mean, really. Jeez.)
Anyways They got Janine and Karthak to do vocals. And Damn can Janine sing. So can Karthak, so I wasn't surprised when he got called up (Janine has really bad stage fright, which isn't weird. Theater sports makes you act like a fool, but if you're singing the last thing you want is people laughing.) But when Karthak came up? OH MY GOD. Did NOT see that coming. Who knew he could scream like that. And, Buahaha, he says "I might not know the lyrics super well because I got asked to do it, well, today" SERIOUSLY? It's not understandable anyways, does it matter what you're saying? (Would it matter anyways?)

So there goes my theory of people only sing screamo if they can't sing otherwise.
But Good job Janine. : ) Proud of you. Though you Probably forgot about the cookies I gave you at Christmas. Or you Telling me you're Bi. And you probably don't know what that did for me anyways. Thanks. And congrats.

Such is how it goes,
Rain dots

Chanson du jour: Sinfonietta for C-dur by Hirano Yoshihisa

My life doesn't suck.

Sorry Ladies and Gentlemen, My life does not suck. If you're looking for a blog about how hard life is for Labeled Kid, and how they're dealing with being labeled, find another blog. (Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'm labeled.)
And I'm not famous. I know most people with successful blogs are famous, like that kid from American Idol, or a model or an actor/singer/rapper but I'm none of those. I'm a Dunbarton kid living in Pickering, Ontario, Canada.

So Because I'm Not Famous,
you'll need to know about me.

I am 5'11" , I am closet Bi, Only one person knows. Dream job? Teaching languages in different countries. Maybe helping out in some 3rd world country for a couple years. I have "Frida Kahlo syndrome" Which means, I take one hell of a lot of shit. The bad days, really, really bad days don't last long and I toss it and then it's over with. (She's an amazing artist, by the way. I actually love her)

I'm into all types of music from all types of cultures and in all types of languages. My favorites are:
Tokio Hotel
Panic! At the Disco
Miyavi
An Cafe
Nickleback
Paramore
Orange Range
Alexz Johnson
The All-American Rejects
Relient K
Katy Perry
National Product (seriously underrated, check them out)
Queen
Skye Sweetnam
Sufjan Stevens
Utada Hikaru
3OH!3

Damn, this is a long blog. Sorry, My bad. I hope you know enough about me to know if you're going to stay or not. I guess I'm not that interesting. I got abducted by ALIENS ONE TIME! There. I'm interesting.

Such is how it goes,
Alice

Chanson du jour: Cartoon - Skye Sweetnam