"I won't shut up!" Is what I couldn't say, on account of being shut up.

Grandpa is alive and well.
Today in English, Mrs. Johnson asked us if we knew any heroes, like the ones in "My left foot" (about a guy with cerebal palsy in the 1930's, and his mother never gave up on him and then he wrote with his left foot and wrote several books & poems and his memoir, which is written with a huuuge vocabulary)

And I said my mom was a hero, for the time Grandpa was in the hospital and could only swear and sing in French (my grandpa doesn't speak french) and the doctors said he was going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life, and to pull the plug, and my mom said "He's fighting so we will fight" and moved him to another hospital.

I was crying at the end and didn't continue to the part about how his brain was bleeding recently, and how grandpa is a hero like Christy (the guy in the book) because he is a fighter too. and I didn't get to say that she's also a hero for beating cancer, and picking herself up off the ground after. And I didn't get to say how my dad is a hero because he understood how much I didn't want to be there so he stayed with her. If I had gotten there, I would have had to have left. Right away. Because it was so hard to look at myself on the days that I didn't go to the hospital, and it was hard to look at myself on the days I did, because it made it more real.

When my dog died, She was 7, and should have lived longer, but she died of Cancer. When we found the lump, my mom was a stay-at-home mom and my dad worked too jobs, and we didn't have the money to help her if we could. I kept saying "She can't have it, because she doesn't deserve it." but I think that's when I stopped believing in god, because there was nothing more terrible than killing that dog, who loved us and was loved by us and was there for everything. there was nothing more cruel than taking her away from me when I loved nothing more.

When we took her to the vet, she was okay, but as soon as she was home, comfortable, she was put on the ground and she just felt safe enough to let her gaurd down, and collapsed. We took her back, and the vet said "Is there anyone who wants to leave the room?" Why would he say that? It wasn't an option before he said that. And I made a choice, and the wrong one, and I regret it everyday. I regret leaving my best friend in her last moments, I regret watching my family walk to the car where I was sitting, and I regret being there for so long and not going in! I should have gone in! Why did I even leave?


Ihave to stop now, because My mom is home and I need to stop crying.
But I've been haveing anxiety attacks a lot, and I think crying is good, maybe?

Such is such, for now.
Rain Dots

Chanson du Jour: Everything We Had - The Academy is...