Alright, so I wrote on Juliets' blog today. And her friend Kats', and they both have pretty hard lives. And I know for a fact that things get better. I was seriously considering suicide at one time, not that anyone knows or will ever know unless they find this.
The only thing that got me through it was Lionel. There, I said it. Lionel saved my life. I think I told him something along those lines, not fully like that, but he did. and I know it sounds cheesey, and it's stupid, but all my friends, even my good friends weren't the type you could turn to when you have a shit day, or worse. They're the type that'll joke with you, and they can vent to you, but they're not good with advice or listening. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have changed them then and I wouldn't change them now, but I needed something else and it was Lionel.
He picked me up, showed me not everybody hates me, that someone will stand up for me, that someone can like me, that I wasn't alone. He didn't vent to me, or tell me his problems, he went to someone else, and I can't help feeling he thought I couldn't take it, and Oh god I was so fragile then. But I think, if Lionel came to me, I think it would have been harder to say goobye, and I think he knew he wasn't staying for long. I don't know how exactly He came and saved me, what he did. I liked him, I definetly liked him.
Aurhgs.
How did this turn into a blog about my first crush?
God, I need to get on track.
Anyways, I hope juliet and Kat don't think I'm a creeper. I'm younger than Juliet, and I think same with Kat.
Juliet, you just need somebody to vent to until you can find a place where you're at peace, you know, ride out the storm.
Kat, You just gotta find a balance between who you are and who you want to be, and I'm fighting the same war. You gotta let go of whatever happened and know only that you're not letting go, that people won't let you. Letting go isn't a set 12-step program, and it's not just turning your back on it. you know that, I'm sure. Find some closure. Be at peace with it.
It all gets better, or it could all get worse. But eventually, the ride stops. And No one knows you were on it, and you're glad you're off the ride, but you're even more glad you're not strapped down, and walking around free is a little scary too, but it's a fix you can take as much as you want of.
Such is how it is,
Alice Dotty
The Avalanche - Sufjan Stevens
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