Woo! A response!
She doesn't think I'm creepy!
What a relief.
Oh dear, but now she has my blog address and my past blogs have been so sad!
I didn't make this to be sad, I promise. I don't really know what I made it for, really.
I just like writing, I suppose.
Well, She'll have to forgive me, or not read them : )
That works too!
Ahh well, Tae Kwon Do tonight, even though I'm so tired.
Keep on keepin' on, I guess.
got my report card today, 85 Average, YEAH! 95 in Drama, 90 in gym, 77 in Math (Which is a step up from the 56. I suppose I should have actually done the homework in the beginning. Class average? 67. Haha.) and a 78 in Science.
Honor roll! My parents reaction? "NO! ARE YOU SERIOUS? WE HAVE TO GO TO ANOTHER 4 HOUR HONOR ROLL ASSEMBLY?"
Hee. They're proud, just lazy.
Such is this,
Alice Dotty ( A.k.a. Rain Dots)
Chanson du Jour: Between the Lines - MONKEY MAJIK
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
I Guess I'm Pretty Today.
I walked home from the mall, on the side with grass, and trees and flowers. (I guess I miss camping. Already)
And Guys whistled at me, and yesterday at McD's two guys were looking in through the drive thru window, and staring at me. That slapped hands and made out like that had already 'Been there done that.'
I've never seen them before in my life.
I have never felt so dirty.
Why?
I used to like it,
So why?
Why not anymore?
What changed?
And Guys whistled at me, and yesterday at McD's two guys were looking in through the drive thru window, and staring at me. That slapped hands and made out like that had already 'Been there done that.'
I've never seen them before in my life.
I have never felt so dirty.
Why?
I used to like it,
So why?
Why not anymore?
What changed?
Friday, June 19, 2009
We're still in Pickering, J.
J isn't leaving. Why do I feel like I'm not either? We're not best friends, and we hardly see each other, so why does him staying make me feel like I'm not leaving everything else?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Abort, Abort, Abort. Resume Fetal possition.
Well.....
I guess I should explain my previous blog. although I think If I left it that way it'd be all cool and mysterious. Like I'm arty. which I am, I just like things explained. I am up for interpretation, but I don't really care what you get out of it. I mean, me. My thoughts.....Anyways...
I might be moving. To Guelph. From Dunbarton to whatever schools are in Guelph. For my dads' work. But we're apparently like 100 m out of range for paid moving or whatever. So my dad will probably have an hour and a half commute, which is a bitch. Or we could move. But do I want to move? I hate the people here so much, and my school is so lame for clubs, and everyone is so dumb. And I've always been Jealous that everyone I know moved elementary schools. They all have firneds they can vent to that aren't involved.
I mean, I have my sailing friends, but they're all older. I try talking to H, but mostly she has her own problems (mostly because she's really moody and complicated, tee hee. I pray she never knows I think that.) and she's too old to relate. She's 5 years older but we've been friends forever. She vents to me all the time, but when I try to vent to her she giggles and says my problems are childish. Ouch. Have you looked at YOUR problems lately? Just because you get drunk and have sex doesn't make yours mature, and mine juvenille, thanks.
M's a good friend I can talk to, but he's busy with his girlfriend. N' has his own issues and never comes online. Or to camp anymore. It hurts me that he did what he did, and that they're treating it like a dirty secret. We all know, and we all care. Don't treat us like you're expecting us to judge badly, you should know us better than that.
Other than that, who do I have? Sure there are my Convention friends, but they are the type to be too busy partying to hear me. S would listen, for sure. But she's not always there. J's LEAVING. Cutting ALL TIES.
He's why I broke down the other day, why I'm writing this. I mean, I saw his note on FB that he's probably cutting all ties and moving to FLORIDA to try and start again. Well somewhere in between that and Remembering Sunday - All Time Low I started crying, and I couldn't stop.
Because My Friends might be immature, and some of them only ask me to help them with school, and some never invite me anywhere and some are drifting apart which hurts me really bad....
I don't want to move. I like what I have here and I don't think I'd be accepted where I'd go. Like, What if there is no SR, SS? No MS, MR? No KQ? No CS or MQ or KT? Who will look after the people I know, who will be their Mama, or make sure they don't fail French. Who will make sure they make it through their brakeup? Who will beat those guys up? Who will be the shoulder to cry on? Who will always be available? Who will make sure my friends don't get into smoking or drugs or sex? Who will look after J? Who will hold rain parties? Who will promise to take them sailing?
I guess I could be replaced, or my role could be forgotten.
My mom moved in grade 12, she graduated with little to no friends. I didnt' want to ask.
And of course I'd be moving in grade 11 or 12. My mom says Dad could move and when I go to university I'd stay in dorms and she'd move to him again.
Am I going to put my friends before my family and split us up? Can I do that? Could I be that selfish? Could I last two years without my dad? Could my parents get together and not think about whether or not they liked it better alone? Do I have to choose? Would I change? that's stupid, Yes I would. Would I like the change in me? Is it for the better? Worse?
S, Please cry for me. I'll cry for so much more. Please tell me you'll cry for me.
Everybody, please say you'll miss me.
Please say you know who I am.
Please say you'll keep me who I am.
Please say you'll visit.
Please say I meant something to you.
Because what I'm really afraid of is you going on without me.
And Me not going on without you.
That you're the only kids who'd give me a second glance.
That you're the only kids I'd want to give me a second glance.
Such Is this,
Alice Dotty
Chanson Du Jour: Remembering Sunday - All time Low
I guess I should explain my previous blog. although I think If I left it that way it'd be all cool and mysterious. Like I'm arty. which I am, I just like things explained. I am up for interpretation, but I don't really care what you get out of it. I mean, me. My thoughts.....Anyways...
I might be moving. To Guelph. From Dunbarton to whatever schools are in Guelph. For my dads' work. But we're apparently like 100 m out of range for paid moving or whatever. So my dad will probably have an hour and a half commute, which is a bitch. Or we could move. But do I want to move? I hate the people here so much, and my school is so lame for clubs, and everyone is so dumb. And I've always been Jealous that everyone I know moved elementary schools. They all have firneds they can vent to that aren't involved.
I mean, I have my sailing friends, but they're all older. I try talking to H, but mostly she has her own problems (mostly because she's really moody and complicated, tee hee. I pray she never knows I think that.) and she's too old to relate. She's 5 years older but we've been friends forever. She vents to me all the time, but when I try to vent to her she giggles and says my problems are childish. Ouch. Have you looked at YOUR problems lately? Just because you get drunk and have sex doesn't make yours mature, and mine juvenille, thanks.
M's a good friend I can talk to, but he's busy with his girlfriend. N' has his own issues and never comes online. Or to camp anymore. It hurts me that he did what he did, and that they're treating it like a dirty secret. We all know, and we all care. Don't treat us like you're expecting us to judge badly, you should know us better than that.
Other than that, who do I have? Sure there are my Convention friends, but they are the type to be too busy partying to hear me. S would listen, for sure. But she's not always there. J's LEAVING. Cutting ALL TIES.
He's why I broke down the other day, why I'm writing this. I mean, I saw his note on FB that he's probably cutting all ties and moving to FLORIDA to try and start again. Well somewhere in between that and Remembering Sunday - All Time Low I started crying, and I couldn't stop.
Because My Friends might be immature, and some of them only ask me to help them with school, and some never invite me anywhere and some are drifting apart which hurts me really bad....
I don't want to move. I like what I have here and I don't think I'd be accepted where I'd go. Like, What if there is no SR, SS? No MS, MR? No KQ? No CS or MQ or KT? Who will look after the people I know, who will be their Mama, or make sure they don't fail French. Who will make sure they make it through their brakeup? Who will beat those guys up? Who will be the shoulder to cry on? Who will always be available? Who will make sure my friends don't get into smoking or drugs or sex? Who will look after J? Who will hold rain parties? Who will promise to take them sailing?
I guess I could be replaced, or my role could be forgotten.
My mom moved in grade 12, she graduated with little to no friends. I didnt' want to ask.
And of course I'd be moving in grade 11 or 12. My mom says Dad could move and when I go to university I'd stay in dorms and she'd move to him again.
Am I going to put my friends before my family and split us up? Can I do that? Could I be that selfish? Could I last two years without my dad? Could my parents get together and not think about whether or not they liked it better alone? Do I have to choose? Would I change? that's stupid, Yes I would. Would I like the change in me? Is it for the better? Worse?
S, Please cry for me. I'll cry for so much more. Please tell me you'll cry for me.
Everybody, please say you'll miss me.
Please say you know who I am.
Please say you'll keep me who I am.
Please say you'll visit.
Please say I meant something to you.
Because what I'm really afraid of is you going on without me.
And Me not going on without you.
That you're the only kids who'd give me a second glance.
That you're the only kids I'd want to give me a second glance.
Such Is this,
Alice Dotty
Chanson Du Jour: Remembering Sunday - All time Low
I'm not coming back (forgive me)
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak (I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just (You're driving me crazy, I'm)
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
So many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds,
Towering over your head.
"Well I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home"
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak (I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just (You're driving me crazy, I'm)
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
So many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds,
Towering over your head.
"Well I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home"
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Inevitable
Chanson Du Jour: I don't wanna Be - Gavin Degraw
Least favorite word for Right Now:
in⋅ev⋅i⋅ta⋅ble
[in-ev-i-tuh-buh
l]
–adjective
–noun | 1. | unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped; certain; necessary: an inevitable conclusion. |
| 2. | sure to occur, happen, or come; unalterable: The inevitable end of human life is death. |
| 3. | that which is unavoidable. |
Friday, June 12, 2009
Your tears were sad, but they made me happy. : )
Today is probably the last day of school for a lot of people who don't have a stupid science practical lab on Monday. (Minus exams) It was Also Mrs. Middlebrookes' baby shower.
Near the end, T got up and said "We have another thing to say. Next year two of us are leaving, first off, A. Is she here?" (She wasn't there) "And J!"
(This is where they all were really loud and annoying and made really painful crying noises over each other.)
Just to distract myself, I told S and MS I might be leaving and moving to Guelph next year.
S Cried for me.
She tried to blow it off like she was fake crying, but she was actually crying, tears and all.
"Don't leeeaaaave! Aliiiiice, Don't leaaaave!"
I mocked her for the rest of the day, and I tried telling her I'm probably not because my mom moved in grade 12 and HATED it.
But S CRIED for me. I didn't know ANYONE would cry for ME, of all people, even if I was leaving for good.
Of course I'd come back, to visit and whatever.
I mean, we only have 3 more years together anyways, if I stay.
Damn. That's really sad, actually.
Anyways, Samba BBQ at E's house on the 26th. Super goodtimes, no doubt. : )
Near the end, T got up and said "We have another thing to say. Next year two of us are leaving, first off, A. Is she here?" (She wasn't there) "And J!"
(This is where they all were really loud and annoying and made really painful crying noises over each other.)
Just to distract myself, I told S and MS I might be leaving and moving to Guelph next year.
S Cried for me.
She tried to blow it off like she was fake crying, but she was actually crying, tears and all.
"Don't leeeaaaave! Aliiiiice, Don't leaaaave!"
I mocked her for the rest of the day, and I tried telling her I'm probably not because my mom moved in grade 12 and HATED it.
But S CRIED for me. I didn't know ANYONE would cry for ME, of all people, even if I was leaving for good.
Of course I'd come back, to visit and whatever.
I mean, we only have 3 more years together anyways, if I stay.
Damn. That's really sad, actually.
Anyways, Samba BBQ at E's house on the 26th. Super goodtimes, no doubt. : )
Monday, June 8, 2009
They see Me Creepin', They Freakin'...
Alright, so I wrote on Juliets' blog today. And her friend Kats', and they both have pretty hard lives. And I know for a fact that things get better. I was seriously considering suicide at one time, not that anyone knows or will ever know unless they find this.
The only thing that got me through it was Lionel. There, I said it. Lionel saved my life. I think I told him something along those lines, not fully like that, but he did. and I know it sounds cheesey, and it's stupid, but all my friends, even my good friends weren't the type you could turn to when you have a shit day, or worse. They're the type that'll joke with you, and they can vent to you, but they're not good with advice or listening. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have changed them then and I wouldn't change them now, but I needed something else and it was Lionel.
He picked me up, showed me not everybody hates me, that someone will stand up for me, that someone can like me, that I wasn't alone. He didn't vent to me, or tell me his problems, he went to someone else, and I can't help feeling he thought I couldn't take it, and Oh god I was so fragile then. But I think, if Lionel came to me, I think it would have been harder to say goobye, and I think he knew he wasn't staying for long. I don't know how exactly He came and saved me, what he did. I liked him, I definetly liked him.
Aurhgs.
How did this turn into a blog about my first crush?
God, I need to get on track.
Anyways, I hope juliet and Kat don't think I'm a creeper. I'm younger than Juliet, and I think same with Kat.
Juliet, you just need somebody to vent to until you can find a place where you're at peace, you know, ride out the storm.
Kat, You just gotta find a balance between who you are and who you want to be, and I'm fighting the same war. You gotta let go of whatever happened and know only that you're not letting go, that people won't let you. Letting go isn't a set 12-step program, and it's not just turning your back on it. you know that, I'm sure. Find some closure. Be at peace with it.
It all gets better, or it could all get worse. But eventually, the ride stops. And No one knows you were on it, and you're glad you're off the ride, but you're even more glad you're not strapped down, and walking around free is a little scary too, but it's a fix you can take as much as you want of.
Such is how it is,
Alice Dotty
The Avalanche - Sufjan Stevens
The only thing that got me through it was Lionel. There, I said it. Lionel saved my life. I think I told him something along those lines, not fully like that, but he did. and I know it sounds cheesey, and it's stupid, but all my friends, even my good friends weren't the type you could turn to when you have a shit day, or worse. They're the type that'll joke with you, and they can vent to you, but they're not good with advice or listening. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have changed them then and I wouldn't change them now, but I needed something else and it was Lionel.
He picked me up, showed me not everybody hates me, that someone will stand up for me, that someone can like me, that I wasn't alone. He didn't vent to me, or tell me his problems, he went to someone else, and I can't help feeling he thought I couldn't take it, and Oh god I was so fragile then. But I think, if Lionel came to me, I think it would have been harder to say goobye, and I think he knew he wasn't staying for long. I don't know how exactly He came and saved me, what he did. I liked him, I definetly liked him.
Aurhgs.
How did this turn into a blog about my first crush?
God, I need to get on track.
Anyways, I hope juliet and Kat don't think I'm a creeper. I'm younger than Juliet, and I think same with Kat.
Juliet, you just need somebody to vent to until you can find a place where you're at peace, you know, ride out the storm.
Kat, You just gotta find a balance between who you are and who you want to be, and I'm fighting the same war. You gotta let go of whatever happened and know only that you're not letting go, that people won't let you. Letting go isn't a set 12-step program, and it's not just turning your back on it. you know that, I'm sure. Find some closure. Be at peace with it.
It all gets better, or it could all get worse. But eventually, the ride stops. And No one knows you were on it, and you're glad you're off the ride, but you're even more glad you're not strapped down, and walking around free is a little scary too, but it's a fix you can take as much as you want of.
Such is how it is,
Alice Dotty
The Avalanche - Sufjan Stevens
Friday, June 5, 2009
Warm Wynter
If you go to my school, then your first period teacher on Monday told everyone to sit down and shut up, because they had something important to say. And by the way they said "Something important" you started looking around the room to see who was missing.
"It is with great regret I inform you of a student attending Dunbarton high schools' death. Over the weekend Jordane Wynter Passed away. There will be grief counseling in guidance and a service on Wednesday. We will try to keep you informed of any new about the funeral. We hope your prayers and well wishes go out to the Winter Family in their Time of Need."
That Day I saw About One Hundred People Crying.
And If you go to my school, that's all you heard.
"It's Jordane not Jordin"
"I heard he was in gangs..."
"I heard he did drugs..."
"I heard it was a hate crime."
"I heard his appendix burst."
"...Lungs collapsed"
Who are you hearing this from? Why Are you telling it to other people if you don't actually know? Where did this come from?
____________________________________________tuesday.
"As you may have heard yesterday, we regret to inform you of a death in our school. Jordane Wynter Passed away over the weekend due to blood clots in his lung. We hope all of your prayers and well wishes go out to Jordanes' friends and family. Grief Counseling will be provided by the board in guidance."
Yeah. So Up Yours, rumors. It was Blood clots. Stupid rumors, Blood clots who'd be dumb enough to listen to you anyways? He died. He sounds like a nice guy from what my friend told me. Blood clots killed him. She didn't really know him but she had talked to him before a couple times. They'll get her too.
What?
The blood clots. The same ones your mother has, in her lungs. The antibiotics gave her blood clots when she was being treated for Kidney cancer. She has them too. Not any more but when she goes back, she will. She'll be on blood thinners again. She won't be able to fly on a plane or sail. She won't be happy any more. And then She'll die. She'll die unhappy. She'll die cancerous, taking blood thinners and she won't be happy. That's how it'll kill her, didn't you know?
Shut Up. This isn't about her.
But that's why you cried isn't it? That's why you almost left your classroom, that's why you couldn't laugh at the awkward jokes told to try and change the atmosphere. That's why you almost walked into the library, that's why you asked again how he died, isn't it?
Fuck. Can't anybody die without me thinking it's her next? Oh god.
Don't let me be right.
Don't let me ever be right.
_________________________________________________________________________wednesday.
They Moved his table today. It used to be in front of guidance, and it had a whole bunch of big cards and pictures. The every card was covered. My friend wrote on it. I guess they had his funeral.
__________________________________________________________________________everyday.
Did you ever notice that when someone dies, they suddenly become the most perfect people? All of a sudden they're popular and everyone knows them and they don't have flaws. I hope it's not like that for me, I hope people say things like "Do you remember when she said she would beat up that Katlyn girl when she told everyone Alice was an agressive bitch? Hahaha, she's all bark, no bite. She's too much of a coward to hurt someone. But at the time, I didn't doubt her."
I know I didn't do everything right and I've hurt people's feelings, but I don't want those parts taken out of my life. That's probably about 50% of my life, I don't want it to just dissapear. In my will I will have a requirement that everyone has to say One bad thing about me, and if they can't find something or they do a cop-out I'm going to haunt them in the after life.
Such is this,
Alice Dotty
Chanson Du Jour: Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne
My prayers and sympathy go out to anyone who knows Jordane Wynter, his family, or his friends.
"It is with great regret I inform you of a student attending Dunbarton high schools' death. Over the weekend Jordane Wynter Passed away. There will be grief counseling in guidance and a service on Wednesday. We will try to keep you informed of any new about the funeral. We hope your prayers and well wishes go out to the Winter Family in their Time of Need."
That Day I saw About One Hundred People Crying.
And If you go to my school, that's all you heard.
"It's Jordane not Jordin"
"I heard he was in gangs..."
"I heard he did drugs..."
"I heard it was a hate crime."
"I heard his appendix burst."
"...Lungs collapsed"
Who are you hearing this from? Why Are you telling it to other people if you don't actually know? Where did this come from?
____________________________________________tuesday.
"As you may have heard yesterday, we regret to inform you of a death in our school. Jordane Wynter Passed away over the weekend due to blood clots in his lung. We hope all of your prayers and well wishes go out to Jordanes' friends and family. Grief Counseling will be provided by the board in guidance."
Yeah. So Up Yours, rumors. It was Blood clots. Stupid rumors, Blood clots who'd be dumb enough to listen to you anyways? He died. He sounds like a nice guy from what my friend told me. Blood clots killed him. She didn't really know him but she had talked to him before a couple times. They'll get her too.
What?
The blood clots. The same ones your mother has, in her lungs. The antibiotics gave her blood clots when she was being treated for Kidney cancer. She has them too. Not any more but when she goes back, she will. She'll be on blood thinners again. She won't be able to fly on a plane or sail. She won't be happy any more. And then She'll die. She'll die unhappy. She'll die cancerous, taking blood thinners and she won't be happy. That's how it'll kill her, didn't you know?
Shut Up. This isn't about her.
But that's why you cried isn't it? That's why you almost left your classroom, that's why you couldn't laugh at the awkward jokes told to try and change the atmosphere. That's why you almost walked into the library, that's why you asked again how he died, isn't it?
Fuck. Can't anybody die without me thinking it's her next? Oh god.
Don't let me be right.
Don't let me ever be right.
_________________________________________________________________________wednesday.
They Moved his table today. It used to be in front of guidance, and it had a whole bunch of big cards and pictures. The every card was covered. My friend wrote on it. I guess they had his funeral.
__________________________________________________________________________everyday.
Did you ever notice that when someone dies, they suddenly become the most perfect people? All of a sudden they're popular and everyone knows them and they don't have flaws. I hope it's not like that for me, I hope people say things like "Do you remember when she said she would beat up that Katlyn girl when she told everyone Alice was an agressive bitch? Hahaha, she's all bark, no bite. She's too much of a coward to hurt someone. But at the time, I didn't doubt her."
I know I didn't do everything right and I've hurt people's feelings, but I don't want those parts taken out of my life. That's probably about 50% of my life, I don't want it to just dissapear. In my will I will have a requirement that everyone has to say One bad thing about me, and if they can't find something or they do a cop-out I'm going to haunt them in the after life.
Such is this,
Alice Dotty
Chanson Du Jour: Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne
My prayers and sympathy go out to anyone who knows Jordane Wynter, his family, or his friends.
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