So KB and I walked to Wally-world (wal-mart) from Morningside, didn't go to Tae kwon do though.
Anyways she bought a bag of smartfood like a tool, like does my bag look that big to you? So she asked me to sneak it in so I put it under my jacket and walked like I was pregnant, when JL and CD saw us in the window, they died. So did I, when I saw my reflection. Ohhh dear.
Got a new record in In the Groove Arcade, (Yeeeeeah bitcheees)Sat down to watch the movie like 30 min before and OW tells me the girl behind me asked her if any tall people would be sitting where I'm sitting and she had said no, so I turn around "OHMIGOD CAN YOU SEE?"
"Uhh....Yeah?"
"areyousure?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Do you want gummi worms?" (From wally world)
"No. I'm fine"
Other twimoms crack up.
"Do YOU want some gummies?"
"No thanks you, we're fine"
AND THEY LAUGHED AT EVERYTHING. OH LORDY, I LOVE THEM.
At the end of the movie they told us we made their night and they hope we run into each other next June (Eclipse comes out)
Every time someone got hurt KB would laugh, I took off my bandana and gave it to her so she could cover her laughs. People were shushin' all over but she was trying so hard to be quiet. NK was screaming every time anything remotely un-safe happened. Ohhhh god. Hahaha!
KD and CD were talking in full-volume the ENTIRE TIME! In Scarburough? DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT? STFU.
I was shushing her so we didn't get kicked out and the twimoms thought it was hilarious.
KD: "OH MY GOD. Did you see-"
Me: "WHISPER!!!"
Twimoms burst out laughing and I realize my command was about as hypocritical as you get.
Bitchy girl shushes us.
And they wouldn't whisper! they would for a sentence then again "OH MY GOD" at something.
SHIT CONTROL YOURSELVES!
Anyways, New Moon was awesome, the rest of today? Not so much. In Math, everyone bombed the math. We had worked so hard for the cumulative that no one had time for the new stuff, and she never reviewed it.I was fully there at 8 and Mr. Mathteacher was in a meeting until class started, then the test was just out, like bang. I felt like crying, and RP, who I don't like was. She's in my second period too, along with another girl (SP) who was helping her out. RP FULLY ASKED THE TEACHER "is this type of question on the test?" and she said NO but there were THREE questions! Ouch.
And I had to quit School Alliance of Student Songwriters, I just have too much to do and not enough time! So I was upset because Mr. O was so nice and she was sad that I had to quit. I felt like such a failure.
And in English, My supposed safe haven I got into my group with J-something and KD (same one from the movie) and we're doing a project on Happiness in To Kill a Mockingbird; does it come from helping yourself or helping others? And J is completely wrapped up in thinking that it's asking "Does happiness come from accepting yourself as who you are or conforming to society so that people accept you. And instead of "Everyone's a bit of both" like we originally had, she's trying to make a chart of who's on what side, and then I started to help and BANG she's back to "This isn't working! Everyone's a bit of both. Do you want to base it on that instead?" How about YES because we ALREADY DID THAT and I have NO IDEA what you're talking about ANYWAYS. And I'm not good with not understanding English work because English work is where I live, It's what I do. I'm and English kid, It's my thing that I am just automatically good at. And Now I'm not in charge and I'm LOST, even.
So I went to the bathroom, just to breath. And I got myself together and went back.
As soon as I stepped in I saw J and freaked out again, but I sat down until KD left, and I couldn't stand not knowing and failing and being with J, who will not listen to anything I say. I tried understanding her, I really really did. But she's wrong and I have no idea what she's trying to do because that's not our project. She's rude and scary and hard to look in the eye because she holds her face weird and it scares me and I freaked out. So I left, put my drama face on and told mr. Englishteacher I was going to the bathroom. I ran out the door and cried and rocked and walked, and breathed but I couldn't breath so I just gasped for a while and it made funny noises.
But I got too cold so I had to walk inside, walk past all the music theater kids practicing, and breath, but I still was working on not gasping, so I stood just past my room until the bell rang and I waited for J to leave. Somewhere between my friends not asking or noticing despite them talking to me, and having three people I don't know well in French class ask me if I was okay, I learned to breath. I breathed and one girl in French class asked if I was okay but kept checking in on me. She's so nice, I've talked to her a bit before today. By the end of French class I was breathing, Talking, and...dare I say...enjoying the presentations and dishes from around the francophone world.
But Ms. Math said if we didn't finish our Tests we could go back after school. but I was supposed to stay after school to finish the presentations that are a week overdue. and I was supposed to get a ride with my dad instead of walking in the rain, and I was supposed to get ready for Tae Kwon Do. So I told Mrs. French Teacher that I had a math test to write and I told Mrs. Math teacher that I didn't know what I was doing anyways and I didn't have time, and THE LIGHTS WENT OUT FOR A LONG TIME! and the VP's were kicking us out of the school and they still weren't on when I left. It was awesome to be in the dark like that. That helped me smile.
But my favorite part of today was short lived; about 5 seconds. A walk from the car to the house after New Moon.
It's raining. It's dark, lit by streetlights and porch lights and inside lights that are warm. It's raining, pitter pattery big droplets, and it's hitting the remaining leaves on my from tree and dripping to the ground. It's cold, but brisk. More so refreshing, and nice. Wet, on my skin. I can see my breath and my fingers tingle. I want to stay outside but it's 12:50 and I don't have to go to bed, but I have to go inside. I'll sleep with my window open and my hair up tonight.
I'll listen to the rain and hold the inspiration in my chest that I got from watching a book come to life. From a girl with self-confidence issues, who can live with others but not herself. A girl I used to be, a girl who got saved like me. A girl who was loved, but lost.
This is who I am,
RainDots
Chansons du Jour:
World Behind My Wall - Tokio Hotel
About a Girl - The Academy is...
In My Place - Coldplay
P.s. Someone is asking to read my blog, I told them it's private and it's just an online journal so my mom can't find it. He said he's keep my secrets but I said My secrets aren't secrets if they're not mine. And I didn't say it, but I thought;
What you read reveals more than what I did that day, it's how I went through what I did that day, which is how I get by life, which is by being me. So I'd be giving him the key to my walls, and I don't think I know him enough for that. He's a little bit....creative, with his life tales, in the Dill sense. (To Kill a Mockingbird Reference, by the way)
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Everybody, Yeah.
One of the most common questions I get is "Why?"
and it's almost always in reference to my vegetarianism.
And I think, for so many reasons it's right for me.
And I know how this will sound,
but I don't have a huge reason. One big astounding decision breaker.
the largest one, is my mom has cancer and I read going vegetarian decreases your chance of getting it by 50%.
and it's not like "omg I'm gonna get it because my mom has it oh noo"
No, more like "That's what it does to you?....Shit."
'Course I don't tell people that because it makes me sound like a crazy person with paranoia. Instead I tell them I'm allergic to meat.
And I am, Steak and some burgers and all hotdogs make me lightheaded and dizzy.
but I lived with it for 15 years, although in my defense, it had gotten worse. the same day I finally just said "fuck it, what am I doing?" and gave up meat, I met a tour guide for my grad trip who shared the same allergy as me. She said her allergy got worse the more she continued to eat meat and once puberty hit she would pass out at first bite.
Also, I figured meat's kinda gross, my dad's a terrible cook (no offense dad! Still love you, just not your charcoal-meatball burgers!), an excuse to try new foods, and my family eats nothing but the basic: Corn/pre-peeled baby carrots/peas/potatoes + steak/porkchops/chicken + potatoes/group 1/cheese. Twice a week we eat something ending in -ini or -ti with a (burnt) bread and chips/smarties ice cream/popcorn/open-and-bake pastry items for dessert.
Definitely prefer tamagoyaki, berry soup, pita pockets, and onigiri waaaay better.
If you're like "Oh shit, I could never be veg because I can't pronounce the foods"
Nah you can, I'm into Japanese cuisine, sorry for freaking you out.
Such 'n such is such. And Such.
Alice.
chanson du jour - The Underdog by Spoon
and it's almost always in reference to my vegetarianism.
And I think, for so many reasons it's right for me.
And I know how this will sound,
but I don't have a huge reason. One big astounding decision breaker.
the largest one, is my mom has cancer and I read going vegetarian decreases your chance of getting it by 50%.
and it's not like "omg I'm gonna get it because my mom has it oh noo"
No, more like "That's what it does to you?....Shit."
'Course I don't tell people that because it makes me sound like a crazy person with paranoia. Instead I tell them I'm allergic to meat.
And I am, Steak and some burgers and all hotdogs make me lightheaded and dizzy.
but I lived with it for 15 years, although in my defense, it had gotten worse. the same day I finally just said "fuck it, what am I doing?" and gave up meat, I met a tour guide for my grad trip who shared the same allergy as me. She said her allergy got worse the more she continued to eat meat and once puberty hit she would pass out at first bite.
Also, I figured meat's kinda gross, my dad's a terrible cook (no offense dad! Still love you, just not your charcoal-meatball burgers!), an excuse to try new foods, and my family eats nothing but the basic: Corn/pre-peeled baby carrots/peas/potatoes + steak/porkchops/chicken + potatoes/group 1/cheese. Twice a week we eat something ending in -ini or -ti with a (burnt) bread and chips/smarties ice cream/popcorn/open-and-bake pastry items for dessert.
Definitely prefer tamagoyaki, berry soup, pita pockets, and onigiri waaaay better.
If you're like "Oh shit, I could never be veg because I can't pronounce the foods"
Nah you can, I'm into Japanese cuisine, sorry for freaking you out.
Such 'n such is such. And Such.
Alice.
chanson du jour - The Underdog by Spoon
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Bedside
I'm sitting on my bed, thinking of English class.
As I usually am, because it's probably the only one I'm doing Well in.
I mean I have a 70 in Higher Level (enriched) Math, a 74 in Enriched Science, and a C in French, but only because I didn't study for the test, which was on a Monday. (stupid) and for me, anything below 80, well I might as well be failing. I got the Drama award, the highest mark in the school. (Grade 9 drama's a joke and I didn't know you didn't have to take it to get into grade 10 drama so I wish I hadn't so I'd have another course open)
I have a full-length mirror that rests against my bookshelf (where I keep my books I don't know what do to with) which helps me battle the darkness. I can see nothing terrible is happening to me. No spiders, no people. It makes me feel safe. It makes me safe. It faces toward the end of my bed, so I can see my knees if they're not covered in blankets.
I sit there with my legs crossed, help up but my arms locked in each other. I'm in line, really, waiting for the bathroom. My mind wanders, as I look into my eyes.
where am I? I'm stressed, anxious. I'm in a dark place. This isn't me.
I leave and go to English class.
One girl in my class, thinks she can run it. She thinks she is equal to the teacher. She boasts her LuLuLemons and overpriced billboard clothes, her blackberry beeps everyday with text messages. She's very important, she has to have it on at all times, you see. She got a bad mark on a quiz because she was away the day before and didn't know to read the next chapter, but we read a chapter everyday. She fought and kicked and scratched until the teacher changed the topic.
Lips puckered enough to kiss the kiss of death, eyes glaring. She'll have her revenge yet.
Later in the week, Teacher says "we're going to perform part of the play we're reading, I'm assigning groups and parts tonight, but if performing in front of a bunch of people is going to ruin your week and make you cry, let me know and we can do some written work instead."
Revenge girl, loud, ever important shouts out.
"Why do the quiet people always get their way? Why can't we ever doing something the loud people want to do?"
My eyes POP. My jaw DROPS. ARE YOU KIDDING? I can feel my face reddening. I bite my tongue. I don't hear what the teacher says, or I hear but don't listen.
I raise my hand. I count to 10. I count to 20. I count and I breathe deeply and my friends turn and laugh at my color of face. It's a desperate laugh. Like they're scared but want to know what I'm going to say. I'm called on.
"Because some people are afraid of acting before a group of people! You're not afraid of doing deskwork, you're not going to cry and freak that you have deskwork to do. It's ENGLISH class, it's required. It's not drama class. It's not about what quiet people or loud people want to do. It's about what the Englishclass wants to do and if some one in our class is afraid to do it then our class doesn't have to partake in drama."
The teacher says something and agrees but the class starts talking. the loud people are angry and the quiet people are quiet. The war has started and I chose the Militia instead of the army. We are weaponless, and for the most part, anonymous.
Loud and clear, we hear Revenge girl and (new person) Important Girl talking.
"Like, I wanted to be with them because I'm nice and they're smart, but now I just don't know...They're soo..."
"Quiet."
"Ya!"
So I sit on my bed. I am scared because in my safe place of well-doing I am in a war. I stand alone, I feel like a mother looking out for children. They either don't feel involved or are too scared. I'm not quiet, but I'm respectful. I'm not loud, but I'm talkative.
I don't fit on either side. I am Canada. I am fighting because I need to defend people I care about. I have sided with those who guide me, and I am fighting those who rebel without cause. I am Canada and I am scared.
The mirror tells me so. I am scared. I am scared and angry. I should have kept my mouth shut. No one likes the underdog, but they hate the person defending them.
It was like this last year. Drama Class. I told on my class who bullied a nice boy with a disability until he was an angry boy who didn't know better. I came from a school where a lot of people had disabilities. Maybe I have more experience dealing with it, but they tortured him. No one stood up. So I did.
My friend did something that made me cry. When they found out I told, He yelled "FUCK OFF" with my name and swore about how terrible I was. Amazing girl turns around and stares him down, knocking past him as she walks to my side.
NO ONE LIKES THE UNDERDOG.
EVERYONE HATES THE DEFENSE.
The mirror tells me I wish I could just sit down for once. Standing is making me tired, more than I am. But something deeper tells me I will be standing until I die.
I wrote a letter to my English Teacher, it was out first assignment. I was supposed to write about my family life, my favorites, ext. Just a simple writing assignment.
Instead I wrote:
“When injustice becomes law, Rebellion becomes duty”
My favorite quote is for this reason, that I respect the people around me. It holds such meaning to me that I dare underline, bold, and center align it. If I have no freedom, what do I have? If I have no chosen friends, but limits on who I can speak with, who is really a friend? If I have no God, but restrictions on the bibles I read, what is really my religion? If I have no choice, but an assigned role, what is my true niche? Where do I fit in a society that holds no place for who I am? Where can I stand out in a life that requires my personality is part of the dress code? If I can not be proud of who I am, if I can not play the cards in my hand without having them censored, how will I know my hand’s full potential? How would anyone?"
and the mirror tells me, I'm realizing I know who I am. And I like me. And I think that's more than a lot of people can say. So I'll be happier, I'll be prouder. No one likes the underdog, but I think I like the defense a whole lot.
And this, is who I am.
Yours truly,
Alice Dotty.
Chanson du Jour: Starbright - Quietdrive
As I usually am, because it's probably the only one I'm doing Well in.
I mean I have a 70 in Higher Level (enriched) Math, a 74 in Enriched Science, and a C in French, but only because I didn't study for the test, which was on a Monday. (stupid) and for me, anything below 80, well I might as well be failing. I got the Drama award, the highest mark in the school. (Grade 9 drama's a joke and I didn't know you didn't have to take it to get into grade 10 drama so I wish I hadn't so I'd have another course open)
I have a full-length mirror that rests against my bookshelf (where I keep my books I don't know what do to with) which helps me battle the darkness. I can see nothing terrible is happening to me. No spiders, no people. It makes me feel safe. It makes me safe. It faces toward the end of my bed, so I can see my knees if they're not covered in blankets.
I sit there with my legs crossed, help up but my arms locked in each other. I'm in line, really, waiting for the bathroom. My mind wanders, as I look into my eyes.
where am I? I'm stressed, anxious. I'm in a dark place. This isn't me.
I leave and go to English class.
One girl in my class, thinks she can run it. She thinks she is equal to the teacher. She boasts her LuLuLemons and overpriced billboard clothes, her blackberry beeps everyday with text messages. She's very important, she has to have it on at all times, you see. She got a bad mark on a quiz because she was away the day before and didn't know to read the next chapter, but we read a chapter everyday. She fought and kicked and scratched until the teacher changed the topic.
Lips puckered enough to kiss the kiss of death, eyes glaring. She'll have her revenge yet.
Later in the week, Teacher says "we're going to perform part of the play we're reading, I'm assigning groups and parts tonight, but if performing in front of a bunch of people is going to ruin your week and make you cry, let me know and we can do some written work instead."
Revenge girl, loud, ever important shouts out.
"Why do the quiet people always get their way? Why can't we ever doing something the loud people want to do?"
My eyes POP. My jaw DROPS. ARE YOU KIDDING? I can feel my face reddening. I bite my tongue. I don't hear what the teacher says, or I hear but don't listen.
I raise my hand. I count to 10. I count to 20. I count and I breathe deeply and my friends turn and laugh at my color of face. It's a desperate laugh. Like they're scared but want to know what I'm going to say. I'm called on.
"Because some people are afraid of acting before a group of people! You're not afraid of doing deskwork, you're not going to cry and freak that you have deskwork to do. It's ENGLISH class, it's required. It's not drama class. It's not about what quiet people or loud people want to do. It's about what the Englishclass wants to do and if some one in our class is afraid to do it then our class doesn't have to partake in drama."
The teacher says something and agrees but the class starts talking. the loud people are angry and the quiet people are quiet. The war has started and I chose the Militia instead of the army. We are weaponless, and for the most part, anonymous.
Loud and clear, we hear Revenge girl and (new person) Important Girl talking.
"Like, I wanted to be with them because I'm nice and they're smart, but now I just don't know...They're soo..."
"Quiet."
"Ya!"
So I sit on my bed. I am scared because in my safe place of well-doing I am in a war. I stand alone, I feel like a mother looking out for children. They either don't feel involved or are too scared. I'm not quiet, but I'm respectful. I'm not loud, but I'm talkative.
I don't fit on either side. I am Canada. I am fighting because I need to defend people I care about. I have sided with those who guide me, and I am fighting those who rebel without cause. I am Canada and I am scared.
The mirror tells me so. I am scared. I am scared and angry. I should have kept my mouth shut. No one likes the underdog, but they hate the person defending them.
It was like this last year. Drama Class. I told on my class who bullied a nice boy with a disability until he was an angry boy who didn't know better. I came from a school where a lot of people had disabilities. Maybe I have more experience dealing with it, but they tortured him. No one stood up. So I did.
My friend did something that made me cry. When they found out I told, He yelled "FUCK OFF" with my name and swore about how terrible I was. Amazing girl turns around and stares him down, knocking past him as she walks to my side.
NO ONE LIKES THE UNDERDOG.
EVERYONE HATES THE DEFENSE.
The mirror tells me I wish I could just sit down for once. Standing is making me tired, more than I am. But something deeper tells me I will be standing until I die.
I wrote a letter to my English Teacher, it was out first assignment. I was supposed to write about my family life, my favorites, ext. Just a simple writing assignment.
Instead I wrote:
“When injustice becomes law, Rebellion becomes duty”
My favorite quote is for this reason, that I respect the people around me. It holds such meaning to me that I dare underline, bold, and center align it. If I have no freedom, what do I have? If I have no chosen friends, but limits on who I can speak with, who is really a friend? If I have no God, but restrictions on the bibles I read, what is really my religion? If I have no choice, but an assigned role, what is my true niche? Where do I fit in a society that holds no place for who I am? Where can I stand out in a life that requires my personality is part of the dress code? If I can not be proud of who I am, if I can not play the cards in my hand without having them censored, how will I know my hand’s full potential? How would anyone?"
and the mirror tells me, I'm realizing I know who I am. And I like me. And I think that's more than a lot of people can say. So I'll be happier, I'll be prouder. No one likes the underdog, but I think I like the defense a whole lot.
And this, is who I am.
Yours truly,
Alice Dotty.
Chanson du Jour: Starbright - Quietdrive
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