Keep On Counting Stars

Brittany's Dad's Funeral was today.

I drove Kayla and Slater, and holy shit. I expected it'd be easier because I didn't know her dad, but as soon as you walk in and Brittany's half crying and her mom actually is crying and her brother is somewhere between the two, I realized I was really wrong.

We walked in and said hello to Brittany but waited outside for the rest of the DHS crew to show up. Potts, Sarah, Sarah P, Celina, Shannon, Casey, Ryan, Jamie, Christie, Ricci, Dever, Dixon, Micheal F + that gang (Probably forgetting some) showed up at different times.

Me and Slater went in first to get out of the way, pay our respects.
Earlier, Brittany had mentioned cremation because her mom said he was cold, always cold so they would make him warm again. I assumed he'd be cremated, but he wasn't. It was a closed casket but when Slater and I walked up it was really weird to know he was there....but he wasn't.

And there was a huge bouquet with white ribbons that said 'Husband' and 'Father' in gold, and a bouquet below that said 'Brother' and two more behind him. They were all huge, and beautiful. I saw the pictures of Brittany with her dad, her dad with Chris (her brother), his wedding photo, and he became a person -that was loved- to me. Genna started crying behind me and I barely looked at the pictures because it hurt. Michelle cried and Slater who had kinda been crying the whole time was right behind me as we booked it out of there. We stood outside, and in the foyer, and in the hallway, and set up chairs a bit before the service started around 11:11. Last night I wished that Brittany would cry today, and I got that. Today I wished this would help her. I don't know if I'll get that, or if I already have.

The service started in a song about God art Great or something, and no one sang along from our school, mostly because even though the words are there, unless you go to church (Which most of us don't) you still can't sing along.

Donald Waite, 51, was oldest of three, his youngest sibling spoke first. Liz talked about how he would look out for her and he almost beat up her bully and helped her ride a two-wheel and how he was so chill. She cried at the end when talking about the bully, but got it together and said he was very proud of his family and always talked about them on Thursday nights with the boys.

Next his neighbors did a poem about him growing up and his family and such.

Then his younger Brother, Ed (I think?) did a thing about how he was good with Technology and building sheds and things Mike Holmes would be proud of, how he wanted to know how everything worked 'and I just wanted to know if it worked.' He said he was chill and always talked about Brittany and Chris and how proud he was of them.

Then the minister got up and did her 'when Moses asked what his name was, he replied 'I am who I am' but new translations are 'I am there'' or something, I don't know. I spent the entire rest of that counting to ten in French, German, Japanese, Korean and English. I put my fingers together like Mr. Burns and used my right hand to count 1-5 and my left 6-10. I must have started saying them because Jamie kept looking at me funny but I never looked back at him. Me him and Michelle hugged (awkwardly, because we stood on a bench at the back of the balcony with the rest of the kids)

When the casket was being carried out, Bagpipes started and a woman on the front row of the balcony sobbed violently. We thought it was Brittany for a bit, which made me almost fall apart but I kept thinking I had to keep it together because I couldn't have Brittany looking out for me, too. She would, you know.

We went outside and the hearse was gone (Brittany's Status for today: & as the Hurse pulled away, a butterfly flew back to us, over the crowd, past my family, and straight up. I love you, Daddy ♥ ) but I didn't see that.
Jamie was crying sort of Hard, and Slater never looked up, and I went to give Shannon a hug only to notice she was actually crying sort of hard too. I even gave Micheal a hug.

Eventually we went inside and downstairs, ate some veggies n dip, fruit, cupcakes, brownies, ect ect, (lifestyles blueberry cookies or something. Fucking GOOD) and Genna and Michelle tried to guess who likes Brittany but I wouldn't tell even though it's painfully obvious. PAINFULLY. And he kept asking what she was doing this weekend. Hello? NOT the time, maybe? And I already told him that there's someone else, but he doesn't seem to care. PUMP YOUR BREAKS, HOMBRE. Shit.

Me and Slater were the last to leave, I picked up flute 6 because mine is broken (Dropped it on Thursday, 2nd 2nd key is broken so I can't play D. It'll be fixed on Friday, but I'm screwed till then. Exams on the 15. WOOFREAKINGHOO) and Slater handed in his History, but mine wasn't done. So I finished it at 3:30 ish and sent it to mrs. Lyons. I gotta fake the research Protfolio still though. Meh. And I have a sociology ISU still....

Fuck that. I went to Tae Kwon do testing, to support Keenan and Colleen who tested, but I didn't. (I was supposed to be camping, but it got rained out) Colleen got triple promotion to yellow, no mistakes. Keenan made a mistake on one-step sparring 14, and 16, and couldn't break his boards but his terminology was double blackstripe so he got a double promotion to single red stripe.

They asked Colleen to count to ten in Korean, and I started to cry then, because I counted to ten in Korean to keep strong in the service. I pulled it together by concentrating on the terminology he asked her.

Distract, Distract, Distract.

But when I came back I just felt shitty. I changed my status to something like 'I'll be at the park at Fairport if anyone wants someone to cry with tonight' but when I got there there were a bunch of eighters so I walked around the Plaza like I had somewhere to go to then walked back, I went to the smokers place on the traintrack shortcut but bugs were pissing me off so I waited for a train to go by, recorded it, got scared by the sound it makes as it passes, wondered why I needed that, then left. I walked around some, intending to go to the beach where the fallen tree is, maybe to the secret place with tables (but that'd make me think of the day Sarah S left me there) but got to Westshore and mom called to say burgers were on the grill.

The entire time through Dinner dad was saying "You okay kiddo?" "What's wrong?" and mom kept saying "Do you want some Greek Salad, Kayle?"

Dad, fuck, I'm fine. Bugger off. He said "What's got you down? The funeral" "Nothing, but I'm tired." "Why?" "I couldn't sleep" "Because of the funeral?" "No, I haven't slept well lately." "Because of Her dad?"

FUCK OFF ALREADY, GOD. TAKE. A. HINT.

And Mom must have asked me if I wanted Greek salad 5 times. Then she was telling me there's green tea stuff downstairs and lychee stuff on the fridge door and lemonade and five alive.

Yeah, I noticed. I kinda live here too. It's like when we're a restaurant and she keeps reading me the menu and I say "I'm on the same page as you" (a.k.a. Yeah, I got that. That's the point in the Menu. So I can read it.) or she moves my stuff and says 'there's a movie here' (just happened) Yeah, I got that. It's in my pile of stuff. I put it there. I rented it yesterday from the Library (Mononoke) and oh lawdy, if she tells me to do homeowrk, or that I should plan something this weekend (even though I haven't been at home for two weekends, I was supposed to be at camp this weekend, and she knows I'll be spending all day on sociology) I'm going to flip. my. shit.

I texted Kayla who was at the funeral but she's at her dads, Jamie doesn't really care. I think he's got his own problems.

I don't know, all this is bringing up stuff I never dealt with with my mom. Like everyone is there for Brittany, and no one was or is there for me. I need to get my act together, be less condescending, quieter, realize I don't ALWAYS have to say something, more generous, and mind peoples privacy.

I have to get used to the idea that people just don't like me as much as I'd like to think. Which I should know, because I've known that all my life.

Alice

Don't Worry.

Talked to my Gos sis on the weekend (It was a convention :) )and we talked about how my mom can get pushy and wig out over nothing, but I'm still chill, I always think it'll work out.

Well Today I was super exhausted because of the busy weekend. In Sociology, My debate group didn't know what our topic was.

Hello? We've had a week for this? Did no one do research? Crap. Just me?

Wow, okay.

Well so I had to explain the entire thing, all of our arguments, and all of our research and how we didn't have a fifth argument, which we needed.

So I got home, all frustrated and upset and in a panic. I put on the homework playlist and the first song is 'don't worry, I'm yours'

And then I figured out, that's what a debate is all about. You don't have to know what you're talking about, you have to LOOK like you do.

And Girl, you know I'm King Shit at acting. So I'm all 'K. We're good.'

And now we're doing awesome. (Still going to do most of the project, but I'm not not going to Tae Kwon Do to get it done. That's not my problem, I've got my stuff done.)


Alice

I prefer to stand, you take your seat.

Bought a CD (Sufjan Stevens, Come on! Feel the Illonoise!)
Bought two books (This is your brain on music, Bears, Boys, and a serious pair of hiking boots.)

Got asked out by a grade 12 Girl,
Denied said girl,
got yelled at for being asked out by a grade 12 Girl.

Got made fun of for liking my parents,
Got made fun of by my parents.

Made tortillas.
Want to make my cooking blog a dual-blog with my other Vegetarian friend who has had my Butts Bible since she went veg :/

Getting my hair cut on Monday.

Love the Polyphonic spree.



BLEH!
Alice

Legitimately

Just got back from Cuba, which was awesome. Only now I think everyone is tired of each other, so I sit here on a Friday doing a History essay that was actually Due on Wednesday, but I got an extension because I can't keep up in my other classes.

Uhg.


Dixon and I watched Sybil today, and I bought my Mother's day present (The new American eagle Perfume, 15$) Plus I'll make her waffles & fruit - Mommy's favorite.
(Maybe those two thoughts aren't exactly good together. Mothers Day and Sybil....heh...)

During the part where Dr. Willard walks through the empty house in Willow Corners, Dixon half-shouted 'Alice, Where's your foot!?'and reached for it, but my legs were folded. Instead we huddles in the middle of the couch as she made quick-paced small talk. I told her nothing jumps out, like in the cat nightmare scene, but watching it for the second time this week even I was freaking. Didn't help there was a huge storm. Or that I had the lights out. Teehee.

Same goes for the Realization hypnosis scene. I felt like throwing up. When she wretched around on the grass and jerked away from touch my eyes stung and I wanted to leave. Or Punch Mrs. Dorsette and Dr. Quinous. What a bitch! If you see scrape marks in the vaginal walls of a 2-and-a-half year old, you don't let her go home to her mother! That's fucked up!

But Dixon's gone now, and I feel like I wasted a Friday, even though she was here for a long time and we had a good time, and I've gotten a lot done on my essay, and bought my Mother's day Present.

Everyone always hates on Mondays, but is it so terrible if I don't like Fridays? They're just always the day I feel everyone is annoyed with me. Though, Better it be Friday than Monday. If people are annoyed with me, they can pretend I don't exist for two days.

BLEH!
Alice

Alien

I took a quiz on Facebook and this is what it told me. (Well, this is the part that matters):

"Sometimes you feel a bit lonely, thinking you are unwanted or an outcast, but no need to worry, there is always someone out there, sleeping under the same sky as you, breathing the same air as you, and thinking if they will ever find anyone. There is always one special person out there made for us!"


..........Oh.






Alice.

'What shall I do today?' 'You should fly.' 'Alas, I lack the angel wings.' 'For now.'

Ugh, I think I like this boy named Trevor, but he probably doesn't like me back. And my mom thinks Andrew Wright likes me (Really, mom?! REALLY?! Seriously.) Well, I can't really do anything about either because Andrew asks out anyone he thinks will say yes and has asked out at least two people this year.

Hm, that sounded whore-ish-y in my head, but I suppose it's not at all is it? So what if he has, it just means he's a loving guy. but he fer sher doesn't like me. He told his ex that he wasn't sure I was into guys (Not in the lesbian way. in the 'undateable' way) and one of my friends, Ryan, told me he made a vow to never give a compliment to a Dotty. My sister and I apparently give off heavy 'I don't take compliments well' vibe.

Plus, Michelle S. already kissed Trevor and confided in me at how upset and hurt she was that Katherine liked him and wanted to go for him. She always does that to her! I can't even fathom why Michelle would want to be friends with her, when Katherine just walks all over Michelle. When Katherine saw that me and Trevor were getting along she started being all nice to me. Hello, I'm not Michelle. That's not cool with me. Michelle is much more patient than I am. (Yet at the same time, not so good at meeting people. Ex: Sandro.)

Anyways. Whatever.
Michelle asked me to please not fall for Trevor. Because she's 'over him' but Katherine would kill me. But she didn't say 'Don't fall for Trevor or Katherine will Kill you.' she said 'Please don't fall for Trevor.' 'Well I wouldn't break the friends' code.' 'Friends code? I don't like him anymore. But Katherine will kill you.'

Do you know what I said? It came naturally.
'Michelle, seriously. I'm Alice. When was the last time someone Liked me and I liked them?'

Even I know I'm pathetic, don't I?

Well, such is Alice.

Are you Happy? Are you satisfied? How long can you stand the heat? Out of the doorway the bullets Rip, to the sound of the beat.

Yeah, That's right. I listen to Queen,
I saw the broadway show.

And you know what? They make a point. Cast off the crutch people, It's time to get serious. I hate apathy! It's more of a killer than any disease! Not even ignorance.

I'm talking global warming people. Get off your asses, find out what you can do.
Change your light bulbs, set your temp to go down when you're not in the house, (Like 9-4:30 mon-fri. Think about it, who're you keeping warm? Animals survive winters, they can take 95F.) don't leave the tap on while you're brushing your teeth, eat one less meaty meal a week, eat locally (It's fall in Ontario and you're buying apples from the states? REALLY?) and here's something really simple that teens are good at: Write on your hands. Seriously, think how big that 9x11 is and how little you need to write on it. Get an agenda for the whole year or a white board or something, just don't be so stupid! And by the way, if you write it in pencil, you can erase it and use it again! Or get a recycled paper notepad at least!

I want less rain in the wrong places but more rain overall! Stoppit!
Alice

P.s. My birthday was yesterday; consider this my present. PLEASE!